Bruno Vincent – författare

''All I had ever wanted was privacy. In order to get it, it seemed that an exceptionally detailed 500,000-word book was in order...'' He was born into an ancient powerful dynasty and, through no fault of his own, became one of the most recognisable men on the planet.His life was a constant barrage of press intrusion and manipulation. Until finally, he demanded that it stop. In order to get the privacy he so craved, he has written a frostbite-and-all book that goes deep inside the castle walls and exposes every shouting match, fist-fight, betrayal, teddy bear, awkward hug and tear-stained wedding rehearsal for the world to feast their eyes on. All for privacy!This is his story.

Is The Sound of Music insensitive to deaf people, or The Barber of Seville cruel to the follicly challenged? In this age of gender fluidity, is the title Guys and Dolls acceptable when the more tasteful People of Unspecified Gender would do?Protecting delicate sensibilities from the harmful values of yesteryear, You Can''t Say That Any More reveals the shocking danger around us in the books, films and TV shows we used to cherish. From Bambi to Bleak House, from the lack of balcony safeguarding in Romeo and Juliet to the troubling depiction of body dysmorphia in The Very Hungry Caterpillar, we are surrounded on all sides by danger, depravity and profoundly harmful messaging. Titles taken to task and put on the naughty step (at long last!) include: Postman Pat, Middlemarch, Happy Days, My Fair Lady, the Bible, Pride and Prejudice, Peanuts, Dante''s Divine Comedy, The Wombles, Star Wars, the weather forecast, Bagpuss, Casablanca, Homer''s Iliad and many, many more!Each entry includes trigger warnings, suggested edits, alternative plots and helpful rewritings of deeply problematic books, films, plays, television series and musicals.Over 100 all-time favourites disapproved of at length and in detail.

How easy is it to fall off a log? Where is the middle of nowhere? Do we really have no bananas?

The readers of OLD GIT magazine are a batty, befuddled, potty-mouthed bunch, who seem to spend a significant chunk of their spare time corresponding with the publication''s popular letters page. DO ANTS HAVE ARSEHOLES? is a very funny, very silly collection of questions and answers taken from this column, none of which has any basis whatsoever in fact.

A must for all those who relish a heady mixture of shaggy-dog stories, toilet humour and utter lack of insight.

The letters page of Old Git magazine continues to offer its readers an opportunity to ask and provide answers to the most pressing questions of our times. Questions such as:Would it help global warming if I left my fridge door open?What''s the riskiest game of risk ever played? If I fell down a disused mineshaft would Lassie really run and get help, or just sit there licking his balls?Do Bats Have Bollocks? features a host of completely new and untrue questions and answers. With bags more rude jokes, shaggy dog stories and the odd entry from a new, bewildered editor who''s wondering what the hell he''s got himself into, this book is every bit as laugh-out-loud funny as last year''s hugely successful volume Do Ants Have Arseholes?

''He''s a total rock ''n'' roller. There''s a bit of Mario in all of us - well, maybe not Gary Neville - but the rest of us most definitely.'' Noel GallagherHe may be football''s latest superstar, but Mario Balotelli is just as famous off the pitch for his eccentricity and extraordinary antics. From the time he let off fireworks in his bathroom to the notorious bib incident, he''s rarely out of the news. But in his secret diary*, as we follow Mario through one turbulent football season and the trail of mayhem he leaves in his wake, we discover that the headlines only tell half the story. Whether he''s hiding Silvio Berlusconi in his basement, patrolling the streets of Manchester as a caped crusader or trying to be the first Premiership footballer to go to the moon, the truth is stranger, and much funnier, than we could have expected.*not the actual diary of Mario Balotelli

''Ah! This is the dream!'' says Julian one morning. ''With good old British common sense and community spirit like this, there''s no reason that we couldn''t exist on the island like this for the rest of our days!''What could possibly go wrong . . .?Anne has gathered Julian, Dick, George and, of course, Timmy, together for a last nostalgic jaunt in the countryside together before grown-up responsibilities take the four cousins off in different directions. It''s only natural that they find their way onto Kirrin Island for a look around, as this might be the last time they''re here together as a group. They are planning just to spend the night there and come home the next day, perhaps with a little exploring in the dungeon for old time''s sake. But that night they hear the country has gone into lockdown. They are not allowed to leave. With their usual resourcefulness, they are determined to make the best of it, and remain cheerful and healthy. As Anne keeps saying: They''re lucky, really, to have all this countryside and fresh air at their disposal!

Enid Blyton''s books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy confront a new challenge: is it possible to get a good gluten-free cream tea?Julian, Anne, Dick, George and Timmy are all feeling really rather rum, and it''s been going on for days. Nothing seems to work, and with their doctors mystified, they''re driven to trying out various expedients to cure themselves. Julian goes online to self-diagnose that he''s got pancreatic cancer, bird flu and Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. Anne decides that the old methods are the best and decides to have herself exorcised - which proves to be an awful lot of bother for everyone, and such a mess. Dick goes to a witch-doctor who calls himself a ''homeopath'' (''sounds only one short of sociopath, Dick!'') but it''s George who discovers they need to go on an exclusion diet, so they enter a world of hard-to-find, maddeningly expensive specialist foods . . .Just perfect for anyone who likes Deliciously Ella, Amelia Freer and the Naturalista - as well as any reluctant partners who are begrudgingly spiralising courgettes for dinner.

Enid Blyton''s books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy confront a new challenge: what exactly is this puzzling scrape referred to as a ''strategy away day''?The Five have gone on their greatest adventure yet - to become an even better team! They are booked into an exciting hotel right next to the jolly motorway services, where the nice (if somewhat nervous and sweating and depressed) man teaches them a number of exercises that will make them work better. But wait! Who''s been sneaking messages through the hotel dumb waiter about secret assignations? Is there a smuggler''s plot afoot? Or is Shelly from Production shagging Postroom Luke? All will be revealed . . .Ideal for those who are allergic to corporate jargon and will throw a sickie before having to play a trust game with colleagues.

Enid Blyton''s books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy confront a new challenge: give up the booze.Give up alcohol you say? Why, of course they can! Talk about an easy challenge! Five old friends set about this simple task and find all of a sudden that: the days are longer; they get to see each other for who they really are; the empty laughter of ordinary conversation is so much harder to fake. Yes, they''re saving money and losing weight, but the world itself seems to take on a slow, dreary inevitability. Soon they begin to snap at each other, and then fight - until they begin to wonder, have the Five at last found the challenge that will defeat them?The perfect gift for anyone who has woken up and promised themselves that they will never drink again. Or at least until next weekend.

Enid Blyton''s books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy confront possibly their toughest challenge yet: parenthoodBringing up a baby would surely be kid''s play for The Five. How hard could it possibly be?! When the doorbell rings one Saturday afternoon, the last thing the Five were expecting to find on their doorstep was a baby... But the Five are next of kin to Cousin Rupert and his wife, so when they find themselves in a spot of bother and are destined for a short spell behind bars, Anne, Dick, George and Anne are the first port of call. First, it''s the fear and the tiredness that kicks in. They are terrified at being responsible for this new life and have no idea they''re doing it right. Why is it crying? They use Dr Google constantly, who whatever the situation offers the same range of advice from ''don''t worry about it'' to ''rush her to the A&E''. ''Why is she crying?'' they constantly ask. ''Why?'' It keeps them up all night every night, until they are reduced to walking ghosts, haunted by a numb and impotent fury. Is this an adventure too far for our Five?

It is the night of the referendum and the Five have retired to Kirrin Island to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine, fed up with the rancour of public debate. George is firmly a ''remainer,'' whilst Julian, who is in the ''Brexit'' camp, is tolerated on the grounds that Anne cannot bear to go camping without him. (Timmy, largely apolitical but not keen on cats or rabbits, joins them too.)The night is tempestuous in more ways than one. George has managed to rig up a satellite link with the mainland so they can keep abreast of the news, and they sit huddled around the fire, amidst some tension, as George''s initial hope that the ''remainers'' will triumph proves premature . . . Meanwhile, a violent storm whips up. The damage is apparent as the new day dawns and George declares a new meaning for Brexit: Kirrin Island is exiting Britain. . . . that is until the red tape becomes too much of a challenge and their happy life together is under threat.

''What operating system does your PC run on?'' ''Electricity,'' said Gran.From the author of November 2016 Number One Christmas bestseller, Five on Brexit Island, join the Five in their next hilarious adventure in this bestselling series for grown-ups!The Five go north to see their grandmother who is alone over the Easter weekend. They''re shocked to find it''s been so long that they don''t recognise her at all. While they''re there, they try to help her with her computer. They try first to fix her iTunes account, and then her internet banking - after all it''s the least they can do! However everything they touch turns to dust. They end up getting her cut off from the internet, the gas and the electricity, and reduced to a World War II-style privations - that is until the toddler from next door comes in and fixes everything. They return home somewhat with their tails between their legs, only to discover that with their help Gran has learned to make videos, and has become an internet sensation.

Enid Blyton''s books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy are keen to hone their physiques ready for the summer holidays. All it will take is a bit of effort and willpower . . . and pulling together as a team. What could possibly stand in their way?True to form, the path to the body beautiful is less straightforward than they hope!

Enid Blyton''s books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy turn their attention to finding a property they can call their very own.Join the Five as they struggle to get their feet (and paws) on the first rung of the property ladder. Luckily cousin Rupert is on hand to help. But not before they''ve had some very exciting adventures. Who knew that it was all going to be so difficult?

Enid Blyton''s books are beloved the world over and The Famous Five have been the perennial favourite of her fans. Now, in this new series of Enid Blyton for Grown-Ups, George, Dick, Anne, Julian and Timmy go camping in the deep dark woods. Sleep does not come easily, so they have the brilliant idea of telling each other spooky stories.Join the Five as they scare themselves witless recounting tales that would terrify the bravest of souls. From encounters with American werewolves and being lost in space, to ghostly graveyard apparitions, it is hardly surprising that there is a sleepless night ahead of the intrepid crew. Even grumpy old Uncle Quentin and kind Aunt Fanny cannot be relied upon to be entirely themselves . . .