Joanne Kimes – författare

Sleep on the couch to make room for her gigantic pregnancy pillowPass up tickets to the game since you''d "rather" register for the baby showerHaven''t had sex since there was snow on the ground (and it''s July) It may not make you sound like future father of the year, but there''s one thing men everywhere can agree on: Pregnancy Sucks—for you.In this complete update of the bestselling first edition, Joanne and Jeff Kimes pair no-holds-barred humor with helpful advice to make sure you actually live to see the birth of your child.So whether you''re sick of putting your foot in your mouth when you''re trying to compliment her, you want the real scoop on what''s going to go down in the delivery room (without the hospital-issued video), or you really just want a laugh (since you "volunteered" to give up drinking for the interminable nine months of her pregnancy), this book will tell you exactly what to do when that miracle of yours is making you totally, completely, just-cut-the-freakin''-cord-already! miserable.

A guidebook to improving grammar includes basic, intermediate, and advanced sections with chapters on resume writing and the study of phraseology.

These days, Christmas lights adorn front porches before the Thanksgiving turkey is even in the oven. Plane tickets to visit hardly-missed relatives cost more than the suitcase full of presents people have to lug across the country. And radios everywhere play songs about that fat guy in a red suit on an endless loop. Yes, it’s official: Christmas Sucks. This title is a humorous look at America’s commercialization of the Christmas holiday season and the terrible travel, inordinate amount of preparation, and family strife that accompanies it. You can commiserate with the fact that everyone drives themselves into debt buying gifts, no one enjoys seeing long-lost relatives, and everyone is creeped out by the department store Santa. With twelve days of Christmas, there’s plenty of reasons why this is far from the most wonderful time of the year.

Pregnancy Sucks, by Joanne Kimes and Sanford A. Tisherman, M.D., gives you real solutions to all the annoying and somewhat awkward situations that can unexpectedly arise during your pregnancy.Did you know that:Farm-fresh butter, or petroleum jelly, works just as well for your itchy belly as a fancy and overpriced "pregnancy" product?If you''re put on bedrest, walkie-talkies will allow you to yell at your husband-no matter where he is in the house!Surrounding yourself with regular pillows (don''t forget to swipe your husband''s) is just as good as buying a special large "pregnancy pillow"-and more adaptable to giving support where you personally need it?Doing the hokey pokey, or taking a warm shower, can ease Braxton Hicks contractions?Full of insight, hilarity, and practical solutions on every page, Pregnancy Sucks shows how, through it all, you can survive with your health, dignity, and sanity intact!

Bling. Flowers. Tulle.The three things that every little girl dreams of when she pictures her wedding day.What she doesn''t consider is the stuff of nightmares: Overdrawn checking accounts. Drunk relatives. The seating chart that looks like a road map.In this book, Joanne Kimes and Elena Donovan Mauer expose the tedious (and often traumatic) tasks that really go into pulling off a wedding. From dealing with overbearing mothers-in-law and making time for their lovable, but clueless, fiancés to suffering through endless alterations and meetings with the con artists known as "vendors," there''s a lot that you need to know. After all, a wedding is supposed to be something you look forward to—not something you have to endure before the honeymoon!Armed with Kimes'' trademark, no-holds-barred humor, Donovan Mauer''s bridal industry know-how, and copious amounts of wine, you''ll get through the stress of planning your weddings with style, humor, and grace. Or, at the very least, without beating members of the wedding party with that $500 bouquet.

You know breastfeeding sucks when...Your breast pump starts to resemble a medieval torture device Your latest scent is eau de'' cabbage leaves Your breasts rival Old Faithful as a must-see attractionIf you need to latch on to something with your free hand while your little miracle is latched on to you, then Breastfeeding Sucks is the book for you. Inside, Joanne Kimes covers:How to prepare for breastfeeding before the birthPhysical and emotional challenges that face both you and your little leech—er, infantNursing in public and pumping at the office without feeling like a freak-show attractionWeaning that little tot before his eighth birthday In the hilarious, real-mom style that made Pregnancy Sucks a hit, Kimes lays it all out. She gives as much mitigating advice as she can muster to reduce the nipple pain, engorgement, fatique, and frustration that come with breastfeeding.Breastfeeding Sucks is the only book you need on the long road to sippy cups.

Do they call menopause "the change" because...You have to change shirts three times a day-after you''ve sweat through them?You have to change addresses, just to avoid all that mail from the AARP?You have to change your diet to nothing but milk and broccoli—just to get your RDA of calcium? With hot flashes, mood swings, and night sweats (oh, my!), menopause might not be your favorite phase of life. However, bestselling author Joanne Kimes is here to provide relief as welcome as hand-held fans and sweat-free sheets. In her signature, no-holds-barred style, Kimes dishes on:Dealing with a rollercoaster of emotionsAnecdotes, remedies, and gentle tips to help you cope with all the physical changes you''re facingHow to enjoy menopausal sex Menopause brings about a whirlwind of emotional and physical transformations. Menopause Sucks gives you all the info—and belly laughs—you need to cool down during this hot change of life.

With the signature hilarity that has made the Sucks series a hit, Kimes and Laccinole tackle number one, number two, and all the accidents in between on the way to full-time underpants.Are you suffering through your kid''s potty training because... -Your toddler has peed on your in-laws'' carpet again? -Your best friend''s kid is already trained (even though he''s two months younger than yours)? -You''re not allowed back at the community pool until your wee one is old enough to drive? If you have children, you''re going to have to potty train them. At least there''s a glimmer of hope. Amidst all the headaches (and heartaches), Potty Training Sucks is the only book that feels your pain. Veteran potty trainers Joanne Kimes and Kathleen Laccinole cover: potty training doo-doos and don''ts; handling accidents; the respective troubles of training boys and girls; and how to maintain your sanity through it all.

That "glowing skin" everyone promised you looks remarkably similar to the hormonal acne you battled as a teenYour special bond with your husband? It means he can't sleep in the same room as you, thanks to your killer gasThe lady at the grocery store remarks "it must be any day now!" when you haven't finished your second trimesterYou debut the perfect name for your baby—which your mother-in-law immediately describes as "interesting" (complete with a wrinkled nose)There's no doubt about it: Pregnancy isn't all it's cracked up to be. In this complete update of the bestselling first edition, Joanne Kimes pairs no-holds-barred humor with helpful advice to get you through the next nine months with (some level of) your sanity intact.So whether you're looking for the scoop on hypnobirthing, you want to know a cure for your hemorrhoids, or you really just want a laugh (even if you might pee in your maternity leggings), this book will tell you exactly what to do when that miracle of yours is making you totally, completely, gestationally miserable.

The success of Pregnancy Sucks and Pregnancy Sucks for Men has made Joanne Kimes a bona fide expert on the fine art of complaining - and dating can go on a lot longer than nine months. Dating Sucks is an indispensable resource to keep dignity and sanity intact through the hell fires of dating Includes: Meeting Men - from crazy matchmakers to nasty bars to the chaos of cyberspace The Directory of Duds - the guys who show up at the door and make the modern woman want to slam it Surviving the First Date - the hell she endures to get a free meal The Sexual Revulsion - the physical side of dating in the new millennium What's Good on TV - all the stuff she'd rather be doing than going on one more date