Owen Croft – författare

THE KNOBFATHERForget the horse head. Meet the horse cock.In the rain-soaked gutters of Barnsley, where debt is thicker than chicken shit and dignity died sometime around Thatcher, one deeply miserable chicken farmer discovers he has the most powerful weapon in Yorkshire — and accidentally becomes a crime-boss porn legend.Meet Chris Dickinson: bankrupt, divorced, clinically depressed, and cursed with a monstrously huge penis that becomes the ultimate debt-collection tool. When he joins the McTavish crime family, he doesn't bring guns or knives — he brings the Barnsley Battering Ram. One viral OnlyFans accident turns his mob shakedowns into the most unhinged form of adult comedy crime fiction ever put on the internet.From Doncaster chippies to rigged whippet races, from porn-studio mafia wars to gangland baptisms involving beer, cum and drones, The Knobfather is a filthy, savage satire of modern Britain where:• The mafia runs on Wi-Fi• Porn stardom replaces social mobility• And a giant cock ends gang wars faster than a shotgunInside you'll find:British dark comedy at full nuclear strengthCrime fiction parody with real emotional biteOnlyFans satire and influencer culture gone feralGangsters, porn stars, whippets, hens, and absolute lunacyA tragicomic hero trying to survive fame, debt, and his own anatomyThis is Trainspotting meets The Godfather meets South Yorkshire porn hell — a brutal, hilarious, deeply British cult novel about masculinity, money, and how capitalism will monetise anything literally.If you love:Transgressive comedy,British crime novels,satirical erotica,gangland farce,OnlyFans culture,or books that should not legally exist……then The Knobfather is your next filthy obsession.Family first. Lube second.

A Bloke's Guide to Getting the WomenHow to Pull Like a Broken Man Who's Given Up But Still Fancies a ShagBy Owen Croft – the only man who turned writing about baked-bean depression into a cottage industryLet's not piss about. You're not going to wake up looking like Henry Cavill. You're not going to suddenly earn six figures or develop a jawline that could slice bread.What you ARE going to do is learn how to weaponise your tragic existence into something strangely, horrifically attractive to women who've had one too many VKs and a messy breakup with a lad called Jake. This isn't some American "e;become your best self"e; bollocks. This is a proper British survival manual for the terminally average, the recently divorced, the chronically skint, and the proudly balding. Think of it as SAS training for your sex life – except the enemy is your own personality and the only extraction is a sweaty fumble in the Premier Inn car park. Inside you'll discover:Chat-up lines so awful they loop back round to genius (delivered correctly, they have a 400 % higher success rate than silence)The sacred 8-minute shower ritual that stops your arse from declaring independenceHow to dress like you've given up without actually looking homelessThe exact amount of desperation that's acceptable (hint: you're already over the limit, mate)Why Lynx Africa is still – against all odds – a top-tier pulling tool in 2025Nuclear-level lines to deploy when you're ten pints deep and all dignity is gone (works best when you've already accepted arrest)This book doesn't promise you a wife, a girlfriend, or even a second date.It promises you a fighting chance of waking up next to someone who isn't inflatable. Perfect for: lads who've been called "e;a good personality"e; as an insult, men whose Tinder bio just says "e;sound,"e; and anyone who's ever looked in the mirror after six pints and thought, "e;Yeah… I'd probably shag me."e;Warning: May cause uncontrollable laughter in public, immediate confidence surges, and occasional success with women who definitely need therapy.Grab it now, you magnificent disaster.Your right hand's been carrying the team long enough. Time to give it a night off.

BumbleCock: The Limp Legend of the LaybyA fucking stupid comedy by Owen Croft Darren "e;Daz"e; McFloppy has one dream: to be remembered for something other than his Greggs loyalty card and a Vauxhall Corsa held together by hope and cable ties.Unfortunately, the only one part of him ever gets remembered—and it's the part that refuses to stand up when it matters. Meet BumbleCock: Britain's most reluctant anti-hero. A flaccid folk legend born in the Dog & Duck car park when Daz's sad little worm flopped its way into viral infamy. What starts as a standard night of dogging, Tesco lube and crushing humiliation quickly spirals into a blue-pill-fuelled odyssey of Olympic-level wanking, industrial-strength erections, and a cock that eventually declares independence from its owner. From stealing his nan's Viagra stash to accidentally weaponising his knob at the inaugural Dogging Olympics, Daz's quest for respect ends in a Slough airfield, ten pills, one helicopter crash, and the most traumatic amputation the NHS has ever seen. Think Viz magazine shagged The Inbetweeners in a layby, then finished off on a stolen mobility scooter. Crude, outrageous, and wrong in all the right ways, BumbleCock is a love letter to broken Britain, broken dreams, and the one bit of broken Britain that just won't stay down. Warning: contains scenes of extreme penile misbehaviour, projectile semen, and a gear stick that will never be the same again. Not suitable for anyone with taste, dignity, or a functioning gag reflex. "e;Like Irvine Welsh writing Carry On Dogging after twelve pints and a fistful of knock-off sildenafil."e;– Definitely Nobody

The Blokes Cook Book – A Guide to Culinary Catastrophe for the Lone Wolf Who Can't Be ArsedBy Owen CroftDive into the gloriously grim world of The Blokes Cook Book, where burnt offerings and existential dread are served with a side of snark. Penned by Owen Croft, a 55-year-old Manchester ex-plumber with a knack for turning kitchen chaos into dark comedy, this isn't your nan's recipe book. It's a battle cry for the solitary, the skint, and the spectacularly unmotivated—blokes who'd rather wrestle a smoke alarm than a soufflé.From the legendary "e;Beans on Toast – The Widowmaker's Delight"e; to the soul-staining "e;Fried Egg Butty – The Yolk of Despair,"e; Owen's recipes are less about culinary finesse and more about surviving your own bad decisions. Expect zero pretension, minimal ingredients, and maximum swearing. Each dish comes with a twisted moral, a calorie count to haunt your arteries, and instructions that read like a pub rant—equal parts brutal honesty and bleak humour.This book is for the lone wolves who've stared into a pot noodle abyss and decided to lean in. Whether you're dodging bills, heartbreak, or just the washing-up, Owen's here to guide you through culinary catastrophes that mirror life's own glorious fuck-ups. Perfect for anyone who believes a microwave is a personality trait and that a perfect meal is one you didn't set on fire.Grab a tin, crack a pint, and embrace the chaos. The Blokes Cook Book: because even disasters taste better with a story.

What if the British royal family had a secret they didn't just bury — but threw away?Tarquin the Third: The Royal the Corgis Refused to Lick is a ferocious, filthy, and darkly hilarious satirical memoir-that-isn't, charting the life of a man who claims he was discarded at birth for one unforgivable crime: being too ugly for the crown.Abandoned, institutionalised, bullied, hustling, failing, surviving — Tarquin Archibold Barnaby Wilfred the Third narrates his own improbable rise from bin-liner beginnings to reluctant cult hero. This is not a redemption story polished for comfort. It is a brutal dark comedy, soaked in bile, self-loathing, gallows humour, and a furious class consciousness that never lets go of the knife.From orphanages and council estates to nightclub toilets, bin lorries, failed OnlyFans stardom, royal lookalike disasters, viral public breakdowns, and a suicide attempt even the rope refused to complete — Tarquin's voice is unapologetically obscene, painfully funny, and strangely human. Every page skewers class hypocrisy, inherited privilege, celebrity worship, internet cruelty, and the myth of respectability, all delivered with a Northern snarl and a punchline sharpened on despair.Written as a fake biography / confessional anti-memoir, the book walks a tightrope between fiction and provocation, daring the reader to decide what matters more: truth, or how it feels. Nothing is sacred. Least of all the monarchy.This is a book for readers who like their humour black as tar, their satire uncomfortable, and their narrators utterly unreliable.If you enjoy:Dark comedy and transgressive satireAnti-establishment fictionBritish humour with teethClass-conscious storytellingMemoirs that go off the railsUnfiltered, obscene, laugh-out-loud writing…then Tarquin the Third will crawl under your skin and refuse to leave.Born too ugly for the crown.Raised too twisted for society.Rejected by the palace.Crowned by the gutter.No corgis were consulted. No royals were warned. And no apologies are offered.

Because Half the Country Turned Into Shuffling, Brain-Dead, One-Way-System Zombies Owen Croft   When the dead start walking and society collapses faster than a pint glass in a pub brawl, who do you trust? Not the Instagram survival influencers with their quinoa and crossbows. Definitely not the middle-management pricks trying to schedule a "e;zombie stand-up meeting."e;   No, you trust the proper Northern lad who's been prepping for this since 2008: 94 tins of 18p beans stashed under the bed, a cricket bat nicked in Year 9, and the grim determination of a man who's already emotionally dead since Britpop died. This isn't your yank prepper nonsense with bunkers and AR-15s. This is the real-deal, broke-arse British guide to outlasting the undead on a budget tighter than your nan's purse strings. Learn how to:   Barricade your house with shite you already own (including those final demand letters)  Pick mates who won't eat you first when the beans run low  Turn a lawnmower blade into a helicopter of tetanus and despair  Avoid the "e;sexy survivor"e; (she's trouble, mate — every single time)  And ultimately win the apocalypse by being too stubborn, too skint, and too bloody-minded to die Packed with foul-mouthed wisdom, zero useful skills, and enough bean recipes to make you fart pure methane, this is the only survival manual written by someone who's already survived three recessions, two divorces, and the Spice Girls reunion tour. If civilisation ends tomorrow, you'll thank the tight bastard who wrote this.If it doesn't, you'll still laugh your arse off — and maybe stock up on a few extra tins, just in case. Perfect for fans of black comedy, Northern grit, and anyone who's ever looked at their cupboard and thought, "e;Yeah… this'll do."e;   Warning: Contains language stronger than builder's tea and advice worse than your mate Dave's. Not actual survival guidance. Obviously.