Allan Morrison – författare

'She always had high hopes for him. Did he manage to graduate after his resits?''Him?! He's thick. Would be as useless as a lifeguard in a carwash.'This is a classic collection of the best humour that Scotland has to offer - off-the-cuff and straight from the street. Packed full of wit and verbal gags, you won't even believe most of them. Bestselling author Allan Morrison has spent months surreptitiously eavesdropping and collating over 500 of the best one-liners to produce this incredible collection, an ideal stocking filler to help you chuckle Christmas away.'When's the next bus then, dearie?''Oh, not for an hour.''Ach, it'll not take me long to wait for that.'

These are tough times.Prices spiralling! Climate change! International tension! Pandemics! It’s not hard to find things to worry about.But Scottish grannies can be an oasis of calm. Their wit and wisdom, their compassion and knowhow, their measured good sense and withering reproaches are exactly what is required.Scottish grannies are reassuring. They are relevant. And they need to be heard.

Fae the bustling thrang on Sauchiehall Street tae the hunners runnin’ late at Central Station, Morrison’s latest work gies ye a braw glimpse intae the daily crack that keeps Glesga’s streets alive wi’ laughter. Known for their cheeky, straight-talking humour, the Weegies ken how tae turn a phrase, and this book’s fu’ o’ the sharp-witted patter that the city’s renowned for. Whether ye’re a local or just passin’ through, Haud Ma Teeth Till Ah Tie Ma Lace! is bound tae gie ye a right good chuckle.So grab yer copy, an’ get ready tae haud yer sides wi’ laughter!

The 50th anniversary of the last trams in Glasgow is 2012. The last regular tram in Glasgow ran on 1 September, 1962. However on the 2, 3 and 4 of September, a very special tram service was operated between Auchenshuggle and Anderson Cross, for which souvenir tickets were sold. The Last Tram tae Auchenshuggle is the hilarious patter and build up to the end of the Glasgow trams, featuring Glasgow's famous clippie, Big Aggie MacDonald.

An hilarious and often wise collection of Scots saying straight from the mouths of the Grannies of Glasgow. With each snippet accompanied by a straightforward English translation, this is your introduction to the unique wisdom of the 'Glesca Granny'.

The referee. You can’t have a game without one. The most hated man (or woman) in football but you have to invite one to every game.Enjoy a laugh at the antics and wicked humour of Scottish referee Big Erchie, a powerhouse at five foot five, and a top grade referee who strikes fear into he hearts of managers and players alike as he stringently applies the laws of the game.But Big Erchie is burdened with a terrible secret… He’s a Stirling Albion supporter.

The Scots have a unique way of communicating their feelings. Their sayings are cheeky, to the point, rude and always funny. Scotland’s bestselling humour author is back with his latest collection of hilarious Scottish sayings.‘Away an’ bile yer heid an’ mak silly soup!’‘If you don’t behave ah’ll pawn ye an’ sell the ticket.’‘That wan’s in everything but the Co-operative windae!’‘If ah had your money ah wid burn ma ain.’‘Ye’ve goat a heid oan ye like a stair-heid.’‘The gemme’s a bogie.’‘Yer cruisin’ fur a bruisin’.’‘Ah’m that hungry ah could eat a scabbie-heided horse.’‘Castor oil cures everythin’ but a widden leg.’‘Wan minute yer a peacock an’ the next yer a feather duster.’‘Yer talkin’ mince withoot a tattie in sight.’‘Lang may yer lum reek, an’ may a wee moose never leave yer kitchen press wi’ a tear in its ee.’‘Yer herr’s mingin’, hingin’ an’ clingin’.’From the infallible wisdom of the Glesca Granny, to the hilarious patter of larger-than-life conductress Big Aggie MacDonald, Allan Morrison has a sharp eye and a silver tongue when it comes to observational humour.SCOTLAND ON SUNDAY on Haud Ma Chips, Ah’ve Drapped the Wean!