David Pogue is a six-time Emmy-winning “CBS Sunday Morning” correspondent, a New York Times bestselling author, and a former Broadway conductor and arranger.Scott Speck is an internationally acclaimed conductor and author who has delighted audiences in London, Paris, Moscow, Beijing, New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and countless other cities.

Select Guide Rating

• Introduction 1About This Book 1Foolish Assumptions 2Icons Used in This Book 2Beyond the Book 3Where to Go from Here 4Part 1: Getting Started with Classical Music 5Chapter 1: Prying Open the Classical Music Oyster 7Discovering What Classical Music Really Is 8Figuring Out What You Like 8The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Composers 9Their music is from the heart 9They use a structure that you can feel 9They’re creative and original 10They express a relevant human emotion 10They keep your attention with variety and pacing 11Their music is easy to remember 11They move you with their creations 12Chapter 2: The Entire History of Music in 80 Pages 13Understanding How Classical Music Got Started 13Chanting All Day: The Middle Ages 14Gregorian chant 14A monk named Guido 15Mass dismissed! 15The First Composer-Saint 16Born Again: The Renaissance 16The madrigal takes off 16Opera hits prime time 17Getting Emotional: The Baroque Era 18Renegade notes on wheels 18Kings, churches, and other high rollers 19Antonio Vivaldi 19George Frideric Handel 21Johann Sebastian Bach 24Tightening the Corset: The Classical Style 26Joseph Haydn 27Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart 29Joseph Boulogne, Chevalier de Saint-Georges 34Ludwig van Beethoven: The man who changed everything 34Schubert and his Lieder 39Felix Mendelssohn 42Fanny Mendelssohn 44Falling in Love: Hopeless Romantics 45Carl Maria von Weber 45Hector Berlioz 46Frédéric Chopin 49Robert Schumann 51Johannes Brahms 54The superstars: Paganini and Liszt 56Liszt follows Paganini’s lead 57Richard Wagner 58Strauss and Mahler 59Saluting the Flag(s): Nationalism in Classical Music 63Bedřich Smetana 64Antonín Dvořák 65Edvard Grieg 67Jean Sibelius 68Carl Nielsen 70Glinka and the Mighty Fistful 71Peter Tchaikovsky 73Sergei Rachmaninoff 75Listening to Music of the 20th Century and Beyond 77Debussy and Ravel 78Igor Stravinsky 80Sergei Prokofiev 83Dmitri Shostakovich 84The Second Viennese School 86The Americans 87Chapter 3: Spotting a Sonata 95Symphonies 95First movement: brisk and lively 96Second movement: slow and lyrical 97Third movement: dancy 98Finale: rollicking 98Sonatas and Sonatinas 99Concertos 100Concerto structure 101The cadenza 101Dances and Suites 103Serenades and Divertimentos 104Themes and Variations 105Fantasias and Rhapsodies 106Tone Poems (Or Symphonic Poems) 107Lieder (and Follower) 107Leader of the Lieder 108Song forms 108Oratorios and Other Choral Works 109Operas, Operettas, and Arias 110Overtures and Preludes 110Ballets and Ballerinas 111String Quartets and Other Motley Assortments 112Why Do You Need a Form, Anyway? 113Part 2: Listen Up! 115Chapter 4: Dave ’n’ Scott’s E-Z Concert Survival Guide™ 117Preparing — or Not 117Knowing When to Arrive at the Concert 118Can I Wear a Loincloth to The Rite of Spring? 119The Gourmet Guide to Pre-Concert Dining 119Figuring Out Where to Sit — and How to Get the Best Ticket Deals 120To Clap or Not to Clap: That’s the Question 122Why nobody claps 122More on the insane “no-clap” policy 123Who to Bring and Who to Leave at Home with the Dog 125Recognizing Which Concerts to Attend — or Avoid — on a Date 125Peeking at the Concert Program 126The typical concert format 127The music itself 129A different kind of program 130Introducing the Concertmaster 132Finding the pitch 133Twisting and turning, pulling and pushing 133Enter the Conductor 135Understanding interpretation 135Slicing up time 137Reading the job description 138Chapter 5: For Your Listening Pleasure 1411 Handel: Water Music Suite No 2: Alla Hornpipe 1422 Bach: Well-Tempered Clavier, Book 2: Prelude and Fugue in C Major 1433 Mozart: Piano Concerto No 22 in E-Flat, Third Movement 1454 Beethoven: Symphony No. 5, First Movement 149Exposition 150Development 151Recapitulation 151Coda 1525 Brahms: Symphony No 4, Third Movement 1536 Dvořák: Serenade for Strings, Fourth Movement 1557 Tchaikovsky: Symphony No 6, Fourth Movement 1568 Debussy: La Mer: Dialogue du Vent et de la Mer 1589 Stravinsky: The Rite of Spring: Opening to the End of Jeu de Rapt 161Introduction 161Danses des adolescentes (Dances of the Adolescent Girls) 162Jeu de rapt (Ritual of Abduction) 163INTERMISSION: Backstage Tour 165Living in the Orchestral Fishpond 165What I Did for Love 166Going through an Audition 167An almost-true story 167Rigged auditions 169The list 169The prescription 170Playing the odds 170An unexpected meeting 171The return 171Onstage 172Behind the screen 172The wait 174The aftermath 175The Life of an Orchestra Musician, or What’s Going on in the Practice Room? 175Selling the Product 176Understanding Contract Riders 179The Strange and Perilous Relationship between an Orchestra and Its Conductor 180Why an Orchestra Career Is Worth the Grief 182Part 3: A Field Guide to the Orchestra 183Chapter 6: Keyboards & Co 185The Piano 185Looking inside the piano 186Naming the notes 186Finding an octave 186Playing the black keys 187Looking inside the piano 188Pressing down the pedals 188Hearing the piano 190The Harpsichord 191Winning the Baroque gold medal 191Hearing the harpsichord 192The Organ 193Pulling out the stops 194Hearing the organ 194The Synthesizer 195Chapter 7: Strings Attached 197The Violin 198Drawing the bow 199Tuning up 199Playing the violin 200Vibrating the string 201The unbearable lightness of bowing 201Plucking the strings 202Hearing the violin 203The Other String Instruments 204The viola 204The cello 206The double bass 208The harp 209The guitar 212Chapter 8: Gone with the Woodwinds 215The Flute 216Making music out of thin air 216Hearing the flute 217The Piccolo 218The Oboe 219Playing the oboe 221Hearing the oboe 222The English Horn 223The Clarinet 223Transposing instruments 223Hearing the clarinet 225The Saxophone 226The Bassoon 227Chapter 9: The Top (and Bottom) Brass 231Making a Sound on a Brass Instrument 232The French Horn 233Hunting for notes: The natural horn 234Adding valves: The modern, treacherous horn 234Hearing the French horn 235The Trumpet 236Tonguing 237Using mutes 237Hearing the trumpet 237The Trombone 238Sliding around 239Hearing the trombone 240The Tuba 241A gaggle of tubas 241Hearing the tuba 242Pet Peeves of the Brassily Inclined 242Chapter 10: Percussion’s Greatest Hits 243The Timpani 244Drum roll, please! 246Hearing the timpani 246The Bass Drum 246The Cymbals 247The Snare Drum 247The Xylophone 248Other Xylo-like Instruments 250More Neat Instruments Worth Banging 250The triangle 250The tambourine 252The tam-tam and gong 253The castanets 254The whip 254The cowbell 255The ratchet 255Part 4: Peeking Into the Composer’s Brain 257Chapter 11: The Dreaded Music Theory Chapter 259I’ve Got Rhythm: The Engine of Music 260Dividing up time 260Feeling the beat 261Sight-reading for the first time 262Making notes longer 263Making notes shorter 264Adding a dot 265Taking the final exam 266Understanding Pitch: Beethoven at 5,000 rpm 267Performing an experiment for the betterment of mankind 26812 pitches! 269Notating pitches 270Dave ’n’ Scott’s 99.9999% Key-Determining Method 278Why we have keys 279Making the Leap into Intervals 280The major second 281The major third 282The fourth 282The fifth 283The major sixth 284The major seventh 285The octave 285Telling the difference: major and minor intervals 286The minor second 286The minor third 287The minor fifth (not!) — aka the tritone 288The minor sixth 288The minor seventh 289Getting on the Scale 290Constructing a Melody 292Getting Two-Dimensional: Piece and Harmony 292Major, minor, and insignificant chords 293Friends and relations: harmonic progressions 294Friends, Romans, chord progressions 295Listening to the oldies 296Put in Blender, Mix Well 297Getting Your Music Theory Degree 298Chapter 12: Once More, with Feeling: Tempo, Dynamics, and Orchestration 299Meet the Dynamics Duo: Soft and Loud 300Honey, I shrunk the LoudSoft™ 301Wearing Italian hairpins 302Getting into matters of sonic taste 303Throwing Tempo Tantrums 303Telling ’Bones from Heckelphones: Orchestration Made Easy 304Playing with sound colors 304Notating orchestrations 304Who’s the orchestrator? 305Part 5: the Part of Tens 307Chapter 13: The Ten Most Common Misconceptions about Classical Music 309Classical Music Is Boring 309Classical Music Is for Snobs 310All Modern Concert Music Is Hard to Listen to 310They Don’t Write Classical Music Anymore 311You Have to Dress Up to Go to the Symphony 311If You Haven’t Heard of the Guest Artist, She Can’t Be Any Good 311Professional Musicians Have It Easy 312The Best Seats Are Down Front 313Clapping between Movements Is Illegal, Immoral, and Fattening 313Classical Music Can’t Change Your Life 314Chapter 14: The Ten Best Musical Terms for Cocktail Parties 315Atonal 316Cadenza 316Concerto 317Counterpoint 317Crescendo 317Exposition 318Intonation 318Orchestration 318Repertoire 318Rubato 318Tempo 319Using Your New-Found Mastery 319Chapter 15: Ten Great Classical Music Jokes 321Master of Them All 321The Heavenly Philharmonic 322Brass Dates 322The Late Maestro 323Basses Take a Breather 323Houseless Violist 324Ludwig’s Grave 324The Weeping Violist 324Musicians’ Revenge 325One Last Viola Joke 325Chapter 16: Ten Ways to Get More Music in Your Life 327Get Involved with Your Orchestra 327Join a Classical Music Tour 328Meet the Artists — Be a Groupie 328Make Music Friends on the Internet 329Join an Unlimited Music Service 330Listen to Your Local Classical Station 330Load Up on Your Own Recordings 331Watch Classical Music Movies 332Study Up on the Classics 333Make Your Own Music 334Part 6: the Appendixes 337Appendix A: Listen to This! Starting a Classical Music Collection 339List 1: Old Favorites 340List 2: MILD on the Taste Meter 341List 3: MEDIUM on the Taste Meter 342List 4: MEDIUM HOT on the Taste Meter 343List 5: HOT on the Taste Meter 344Appendix B: Classical Music Timeline 345Appendix C: Glossary 353Index 359

David Pogue is a six-time Emmy-winning “CBS Sunday Morning” correspondent, a New York Times bestselling author, and a former Broadway conductor and arranger.Scott Speck is an internationally acclaimed conductor and author who has delighted audiences in London, Paris, Moscow, Beijing, New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and countless other cities.

Select Guide Rating

• Introduction 1About This Book 1Foolish Assumptions 2Icons Used in This Book 2Beyond the Book 3Where to Go from Here 4Part 1: Getting Started with Classical Music 5Chapter 1: Prying Open the Classical Music Oyster 7Discovering What Classical Music Really Is 8Figuring Out What You Like 8The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Composers 9Their music is from the heart 9They use a structure that you can feel 9They’re creative and original 10They express a relevant human emotion 10They keep your attention with variety and pacing 11Their music is easy to remember 11They move you with their creations 12Chapter 2: The Entire History of Music in 80 Pages 13Understanding How Classical Music Got Started 13Chanting All Day: The Middle Ages 14Gregorian chant 14A monk named Guido 15Mass dismissed! 15The First Composer-Saint 16Born Again: The Renaissance 16The madrigal takes off 16Opera hits prime time 17Getting Emotional: The Baroque Era 18Renegade notes on wheels 18Kings, churches, and other high rollers 19Antonio Vivaldi 19George Frideric Handel 21Johann Sebastian Bach 24Tightening the Corset: The Classical Style 26Joseph Haydn 27Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart 29Joseph Boulogne, Chevalier de Saint-Georges 34Ludwig van Beethoven: The man who changed everything 34Schubert and his Lieder 39Felix Mendelssohn 42Fanny Mendelssohn 44Falling in Love: Hopeless Romantics 45Carl Maria von Weber 45Hector Berlioz 46Frédéric Chopin 49Robert Schumann 51Johannes Brahms 54The superstars: Paganini and Liszt 56Liszt follows Paganini’s lead 57Richard Wagner 58Strauss and Mahler 59Saluting the Flag(s): Nationalism in Classical Music 63Bedřich Smetana 64Antonín Dvořák 65Edvard Grieg 67Jean Sibelius 68Carl Nielsen 70Glinka and the Mighty Fistful 71Peter Tchaikovsky 73Sergei Rachmaninoff 75Listening to Music of the 20th Century and Beyond 77Debussy and Ravel 78Igor Stravinsky 80Sergei Prokofiev 83Dmitri Shostakovich 84The Second Viennese School 86The Americans 87Chapter 3: Spotting a Sonata 95Symphonies 95First movement: brisk and lively 96Second movement: slow and lyrical 97Third movement: dancy 98Finale: rollicking 98Sonatas and Sonatinas 99Concertos 100Concerto structure 101The cadenza 101Dances and Suites 103Serenades and Divertimentos 104Themes and Variations 105Fantasias and Rhapsodies 106Tone Poems (Or Symphonic Poems) 107Lieder (and Follower) 107Leader of the Lieder 108Song forms 108Oratorios and Other Choral Works 109Operas, Operettas, and Arias 110Overtures and Preludes 110Ballets and Ballerinas 111String Quartets and Other Motley Assortments 112Why Do You Need a Form, Anyway? 113Part 2: Listen Up! 115Chapter 4: Dave ’n’ Scott’s E-Z Concert Survival Guide™ 117Preparing — or Not 117Knowing When to Arrive at the Concert 118Can I Wear a Loincloth to The Rite of Spring? 119The Gourmet Guide to Pre-Concert Dining 119Figuring Out Where to Sit — and How to Get the Best Ticket Deals 120To Clap or Not to Clap: That’s the Question 122Why nobody claps 122More on the insane “no-clap” policy 123Who to Bring and Who to Leave at Home with the Dog 125Recognizing Which Concerts to Attend — or Avoid — on a Date 125Peeking at the Concert Program 126The typical concert format 127The music itself 129A different kind of program 130Introducing the Concertmaster 132Finding the pitch 133Twisting and turning, pulling and pushing 133Enter the Conductor 135Understanding interpretation 135Slicing up time 137Reading the job description 138Chapter 5: For Your Listening Pleasure 1411 Handel: Water Music Suite No 2: Alla Hornpipe 1422 Bach: Well-Tempered Clavier, Book 2: Prelude and Fugue in C Major 1433 Mozart: Piano Concerto No 22 in E-Flat, Third Movement 1454 Beethoven: Symphony No. 5, First Movement 149Exposition 150Development 151Recapitulation 151Coda 1525 Brahms: Symphony No 4, Third Movement 1536 Dvořák: Serenade for Strings, Fourth Movement 1557 Tchaikovsky: Symphony No 6, Fourth Movement 1568 Debussy: La Mer: Dialogue du Vent et de la Mer 1589 Stravinsky: The Rite of Spring: Opening to the End of Jeu de Rapt 161Introduction 161Danses des adolescentes (Dances of the Adolescent Girls) 162Jeu de rapt (Ritual of Abduction) 163INTERMISSION: Backstage Tour 165Living in the Orchestral Fishpond 165What I Did for Love 166Going through an Audition 167An almost-true story 167Rigged auditions 169The list 169The prescription 170Playing the odds 170An unexpected meeting 171The return 171Onstage 172Behind the screen 172The wait 174The aftermath 175The Life of an Orchestra Musician, or What’s Going on in the Practice Room? 175Selling the Product 176Understanding Contract Riders 179The Strange and Perilous Relationship between an Orchestra and Its Conductor 180Why an Orchestra Career Is Worth the Grief 182Part 3: A Field Guide to the Orchestra 183Chapter 6: Keyboards & Co 185The Piano 185Looking inside the piano 186Naming the notes 186Finding an octave 186Playing the black keys 187Looking inside the piano 188Pressing down the pedals 188Hearing the piano 190The Harpsichord 191Winning the Baroque gold medal 191Hearing the harpsichord 192The Organ 193Pulling out the stops 194Hearing the organ 194The Synthesizer 195Chapter 7: Strings Attached 197The Violin 198Drawing the bow 199Tuning up 199Playing the violin 200Vibrating the string 201The unbearable lightness of bowing 201Plucking the strings 202Hearing the violin 203The Other String Instruments 204The viola 204The cello 206The double bass 208The harp 209The guitar 212Chapter 8: Gone with the Woodwinds 215The Flute 216Making music out of thin air 216Hearing the flute 217The Piccolo 218The Oboe 219Playing the oboe 221Hearing the oboe 222The English Horn 223The Clarinet 223Transposing instruments 223Hearing the clarinet 225The Saxophone 226The Bassoon 227Chapter 9: The Top (and Bottom) Brass 231Making a Sound on a Brass Instrument 232The French Horn 233Hunting for notes: The natural horn 234Adding valves: The modern, treacherous horn 234Hearing the French horn 235The Trumpet 236Tonguing 237Using mutes 237Hearing the trumpet 237The Trombone 238Sliding around 239Hearing the trombone 240The Tuba 241A gaggle of tubas 241Hearing the tuba 242Pet Peeves of the Brassily Inclined 242Chapter 10: Percussion’s Greatest Hits 243The Timpani 244Drum roll, please! 246Hearing the timpani 246The Bass Drum 246The Cymbals 247The Snare Drum 247The Xylophone 248Other Xylo-like Instruments 250More Neat Instruments Worth Banging 250The triangle 250The tambourine 252The tam-tam and gong 253The castanets 254The whip 254The cowbell 255The ratchet 255Part 4: Peeking Into the Composer’s Brain 257Chapter 11: The Dreaded Music Theory Chapter 259I’ve Got Rhythm: The Engine of Music 260Dividing up time 260Feeling the beat 261Sight-reading for the first time 262Making notes longer 263Making notes shorter 264Adding a dot 265Taking the final exam 266Understanding Pitch: Beethoven at 5,000 rpm 267Performing an experiment for the betterment of mankind 26812 pitches! 269Notating pitches 270Dave ’n’ Scott’s 99.9999% Key-Determining Method 278Why we have keys 279Making the Leap into Intervals 280The major second 281The major third 282The fourth 282The fifth 283The major sixth 284The major seventh 285The octave 285Telling the difference: major and minor intervals 286The minor second 286The minor third 287The minor fifth (not!) — aka the tritone 288The minor sixth 288The minor seventh 289Getting on the Scale 290Constructing a Melody 292Getting Two-Dimensional: Piece and Harmony 292Major, minor, and insignificant chords 293Friends and relations: harmonic progressions 294Friends, Romans, chord progressions 295Listening to the oldies 296Put in Blender, Mix Well 297Getting Your Music Theory Degree 298Chapter 12: Once More, with Feeling: Tempo, Dynamics, and Orchestration 299Meet the Dynamics Duo: Soft and Loud 300Honey, I shrunk the LoudSoft™ 301Wearing Italian hairpins 302Getting into matters of sonic taste 303Throwing Tempo Tantrums 303Telling ’Bones from Heckelphones: Orchestration Made Easy 304Playing with sound colors 304Notating orchestrations 304Who’s the orchestrator? 305Part 5: the Part of Tens 307Chapter 13: The Ten Most Common Misconceptions about Classical Music 309Classical Music Is Boring 309Classical Music Is for Snobs 310All Modern Concert Music Is Hard to Listen to 310They Don’t Write Classical Music Anymore 311You Have to Dress Up to Go to the Symphony 311If You Haven’t Heard of the Guest Artist, She Can’t Be Any Good 311Professional Musicians Have It Easy 312The Best Seats Are Down Front 313Clapping between Movements Is Illegal, Immoral, and Fattening 313Classical Music Can’t Change Your Life 314Chapter 14: The Ten Best Musical Terms for Cocktail Parties 315Atonal 316Cadenza 316Concerto 317Counterpoint 317Crescendo 317Exposition 318Intonation 318Orchestration 318Repertoire 318Rubato 318Tempo 319Using Your New-Found Mastery 319Chapter 15: Ten Great Classical Music Jokes 321Master of Them All 321The Heavenly Philharmonic 322Brass Dates 322The Late Maestro 323Basses Take a Breather 323Houseless Violist 324Ludwig’s Grave 324The Weeping Violist 324Musicians’ Revenge 325One Last Viola Joke 325Chapter 16: Ten Ways to Get More Music in Your Life 327Get Involved with Your Orchestra 327Join a Classical Music Tour 328Meet the Artists — Be a Groupie 328Make Music Friends on the Internet 329Join an Unlimited Music Service 330Listen to Your Local Classical Station 330Load Up on Your Own Recordings 331Watch Classical Music Movies 332Study Up on the Classics 333Make Your Own Music 334Part 6: the Appendixes 337Appendix A: Listen to This! Starting a Classical Music Collection 339List 1: Old Favorites 340List 2: MILD on the Taste Meter 341List 3: MEDIUM on the Taste Meter 342List 4: MEDIUM HOT on the Taste Meter 343List 5: HOT on the Taste Meter 344Appendix B: Classical Music Timeline 345Appendix C: Glossary 353Index 359

David Pogue is a six-time Emmy-winning “CBS Sunday Morning” correspondent, a New York Times bestselling author, and a former Broadway conductor and arranger.Scott Speck is an internationally acclaimed conductor and author who has delighted audiences in London, Paris, Moscow, Beijing, New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and countless other cities.

Select Guide Rating

• Introduction 1About This Book 1Foolish Assumptions 2Icons Used in This Book 2Beyond the Book 3Where to Go from Here 4Part 1: Getting Started with Classical Music 5Chapter 1: Prying Open the Classical Music Oyster 7Discovering What Classical Music Really Is 8Figuring Out What You Like 8The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Composers 9Their music is from the heart 9They use a structure that you can feel 9They’re creative and original 10They express a relevant human emotion 10They keep your attention with variety and pacing 11Their music is easy to remember 11They move you with their creations 12Chapter 2: The Entire History of Music in 80 Pages 13Understanding How Classical Music Got Started 13Chanting All Day: The Middle Ages 14Gregorian chant 14A monk named Guido 15Mass dismissed! 15The First Composer-Saint 16Born Again: The Renaissance 16The madrigal takes off 16Opera hits prime time 17Getting Emotional: The Baroque Era 18Renegade notes on wheels 18Kings, churches, and other high rollers 19Antonio Vivaldi 19George Frideric Handel 21Johann Sebastian Bach 24Tightening the Corset: The Classical Style 26Joseph Haydn 27Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart 29Joseph Boulogne, Chevalier de Saint-Georges 34Ludwig van Beethoven: The man who changed everything 34Schubert and his Lieder 39Felix Mendelssohn 42Fanny Mendelssohn 44Falling in Love: Hopeless Romantics 45Carl Maria von Weber 45Hector Berlioz 46Frédéric Chopin 49Robert Schumann 51Johannes Brahms 54The superstars: Paganini and Liszt 56Liszt follows Paganini’s lead 57Richard Wagner 58Strauss and Mahler 59Saluting the Flag(s): Nationalism in Classical Music 63Bedřich Smetana 64Antonín Dvořák 65Edvard Grieg 67Jean Sibelius 68Carl Nielsen 70Glinka and the Mighty Fistful 71Peter Tchaikovsky 73Sergei Rachmaninoff 75Listening to Music of the 20th Century and Beyond 77Debussy and Ravel 78Igor Stravinsky 80Sergei Prokofiev 83Dmitri Shostakovich 84The Second Viennese School 86The Americans 87Chapter 3: Spotting a Sonata 95Symphonies 95First movement: brisk and lively 96Second movement: slow and lyrical 97Third movement: dancy 98Finale: rollicking 98Sonatas and Sonatinas 99Concertos 100Concerto structure 101The cadenza 101Dances and Suites 103Serenades and Divertimentos 104Themes and Variations 105Fantasias and Rhapsodies 106Tone Poems (Or Symphonic Poems) 107Lieder (and Follower) 107Leader of the Lieder 108Song forms 108Oratorios and Other Choral Works 109Operas, Operettas, and Arias 110Overtures and Preludes 110Ballets and Ballerinas 111String Quartets and Other Motley Assortments 112Why Do You Need a Form, Anyway? 113Part 2: Listen Up! 115Chapter 4: Dave ’n’ Scott’s E-Z Concert Survival Guide™ 117Preparing — or Not 117Knowing When to Arrive at the Concert 118Can I Wear a Loincloth to The Rite of Spring? 119The Gourmet Guide to Pre-Concert Dining 119Figuring Out Where to Sit — and How to Get the Best Ticket Deals 120To Clap or Not to Clap: That’s the Question 122Why nobody claps 122More on the insane “no-clap” policy 123Who to Bring and Who to Leave at Home with the Dog 125Recognizing Which Concerts to Attend — or Avoid — on a Date 125Peeking at the Concert Program 126The typical concert format 127The music itself 129A different kind of program 130Introducing the Concertmaster 132Finding the pitch 133Twisting and turning, pulling and pushing 133Enter the Conductor 135Understanding interpretation 135Slicing up time 137Reading the job description 138Chapter 5: For Your Listening Pleasure 1411 Handel: Water Music Suite No 2: Alla Hornpipe 1422 Bach: Well-Tempered Clavier, Book 2: Prelude and Fugue in C Major 1433 Mozart: Piano Concerto No 22 in E-Flat, Third Movement 1454 Beethoven: Symphony No. 5, First Movement 149Exposition 150Development 151Recapitulation 151Coda 1525 Brahms: Symphony No 4, Third Movement 1536 Dvořák: Serenade for Strings, Fourth Movement 1557 Tchaikovsky: Symphony No 6, Fourth Movement 1568 Debussy: La Mer: Dialogue du Vent et de la Mer 1589 Stravinsky: The Rite of Spring: Opening to the End of Jeu de Rapt 161Introduction 161Danses des adolescentes (Dances of the Adolescent Girls) 162Jeu de rapt (Ritual of Abduction) 163INTERMISSION: Backstage Tour 165Living in the Orchestral Fishpond 165What I Did for Love 166Going through an Audition 167An almost-true story 167Rigged auditions 169The list 169The prescription 170Playing the odds 170An unexpected meeting 171The return 171Onstage 172Behind the screen 172The wait 174The aftermath 175The Life of an Orchestra Musician, or What’s Going on in the Practice Room? 175Selling the Product 176Understanding Contract Riders 179The Strange and Perilous Relationship between an Orchestra and Its Conductor 180Why an Orchestra Career Is Worth the Grief 182Part 3: A Field Guide to the Orchestra 183Chapter 6: Keyboards & Co 185The Piano 185Looking inside the piano 186Naming the notes 186Finding an octave 186Playing the black keys 187Looking inside the piano 188Pressing down the pedals 188Hearing the piano 190The Harpsichord 191Winning the Baroque gold medal 191Hearing the harpsichord 192The Organ 193Pulling out the stops 194Hearing the organ 194The Synthesizer 195Chapter 7: Strings Attached 197The Violin 198Drawing the bow 199Tuning up 199Playing the violin 200Vibrating the string 201The unbearable lightness of bowing 201Plucking the strings 202Hearing the violin 203The Other String Instruments 204The viola 204The cello 206The double bass 208The harp 209The guitar 212Chapter 8: Gone with the Woodwinds 215The Flute 216Making music out of thin air 216Hearing the flute 217The Piccolo 218The Oboe 219Playing the oboe 221Hearing the oboe 222The English Horn 223The Clarinet 223Transposing instruments 223Hearing the clarinet 225The Saxophone 226The Bassoon 227Chapter 9: The Top (and Bottom) Brass 231Making a Sound on a Brass Instrument 232The French Horn 233Hunting for notes: The natural horn 234Adding valves: The modern, treacherous horn 234Hearing the French horn 235The Trumpet 236Tonguing 237Using mutes 237Hearing the trumpet 237The Trombone 238Sliding around 239Hearing the trombone 240The Tuba 241A gaggle of tubas 241Hearing the tuba 242Pet Peeves of the Brassily Inclined 242Chapter 10: Percussion’s Greatest Hits 243The Timpani 244Drum roll, please! 246Hearing the timpani 246The Bass Drum 246The Cymbals 247The Snare Drum 247The Xylophone 248Other Xylo-like Instruments 250More Neat Instruments Worth Banging 250The triangle 250The tambourine 252The tam-tam and gong 253The castanets 254The whip 254The cowbell 255The ratchet 255Part 4: Peeking Into the Composer’s Brain 257Chapter 11: The Dreaded Music Theory Chapter 259I’ve Got Rhythm: The Engine of Music 260Dividing up time 260Feeling the beat 261Sight-reading for the first time 262Making notes longer 263Making notes shorter 264Adding a dot 265Taking the final exam 266Understanding Pitch: Beethoven at 5,000 rpm 267Performing an experiment for the betterment of mankind 26812 pitches! 269Notating pitches 270Dave ’n’ Scott’s 99.9999% Key-Determining Method 278Why we have keys 279Making the Leap into Intervals 280The major second 281The major third 282The fourth 282The fifth 283The major sixth 284The major seventh 285The octave 285Telling the difference: major and minor intervals 286The minor second 286The minor third 287The minor fifth (not!) — aka the tritone 288The minor sixth 288The minor seventh 289Getting on the Scale 290Constructing a Melody 292Getting Two-Dimensional: Piece and Harmony 292Major, minor, and insignificant chords 293Friends and relations: harmonic progressions 294Friends, Romans, chord progressions 295Listening to the oldies 296Put in Blender, Mix Well 297Getting Your Music Theory Degree 298Chapter 12: Once More, with Feeling: Tempo, Dynamics, and Orchestration 299Meet the Dynamics Duo: Soft and Loud 300Honey, I shrunk the LoudSoft™ 301Wearing Italian hairpins 302Getting into matters of sonic taste 303Throwing Tempo Tantrums 303Telling ’Bones from Heckelphones: Orchestration Made Easy 304Playing with sound colors 304Notating orchestrations 304Who’s the orchestrator? 305Part 5: the Part of Tens 307Chapter 13: The Ten Most Common Misconceptions about Classical Music 309Classical Music Is Boring 309Classical Music Is for Snobs 310All Modern Concert Music Is Hard to Listen to 310They Don’t Write Classical Music Anymore 311You Have to Dress Up to Go to the Symphony 311If You Haven’t Heard of the Guest Artist, She Can’t Be Any Good 311Professional Musicians Have It Easy 312The Best Seats Are Down Front 313Clapping between Movements Is Illegal, Immoral, and Fattening 313Classical Music Can’t Change Your Life 314Chapter 14: The Ten Best Musical Terms for Cocktail Parties 315Atonal 316Cadenza 316Concerto 317Counterpoint 317Crescendo 317Exposition 318Intonation 318Orchestration 318Repertoire 318Rubato 318Tempo 319Using Your New-Found Mastery 319Chapter 15: Ten Great Classical Music Jokes 321Master of Them All 321The Heavenly Philharmonic 322Brass Dates 322The Late Maestro 323Basses Take a Breather 323Houseless Violist 324Ludwig’s Grave 324The Weeping Violist 324Musicians’ Revenge 325One Last Viola Joke 325Chapter 16: Ten Ways to Get More Music in Your Life 327Get Involved with Your Orchestra 327Join a Classical Music Tour 328Meet the Artists — Be a Groupie 328Make Music Friends on the Internet 329Join an Unlimited Music Service 330Listen to Your Local Classical Station 330Load Up on Your Own Recordings 331Watch Classical Music Movies 332Study Up on the Classics 333Make Your Own Music 334Part 6: the Appendixes 337Appendix A: Listen to This! Starting a Classical Music Collection 339List 1: Old Favorites 340List 2: MILD on the Taste Meter 341List 3: MEDIUM on the Taste Meter 342List 4: MEDIUM HOT on the Taste Meter 343List 5: HOT on the Taste Meter 344Appendix B: Classical Music Timeline 345Appendix C: Glossary 353Index 359