Help! I Can’t Stop Shitting Snakes

Michael Bettendorf (he/him) is the multi-genre author of TRVE CVLT (Tenebrous Press 2024) and Midwestern Chrome (Tenebrous Press 2026). His short fiction has appeared in places like The Drabblecast, Cosmic Horror Monthly, and elsewhere. He has too many hobbies and lives in Nebraska.

"Deliciously depressing and hopeless in the best possible way, Help! I Can't Stop Shitting Snakes ramps mundane horror up to an inconceivable level and is unlike anything else you've ever read." —Michael Boulerice, author of Feeding the Wheel and Inhalation"The tale Bettendorf weaves is not the outrageous satire readers might expect from the title, but rather a solemn glimpse into the American healthcare system in all its perverse glory. Snakes are merely the starting point for an all-too-familiar journey through an apathetic landscape, written with sharp wit and fascinating introspection. This might be the single greatest reflection of the wealthiest country on earth you'll read this year." —Joey Powell, author of Squirming All the Way Up"I know what you’re thinking: yet another book about shitting snakes? Isn’t that a bit played out? But Michael breathes new life into the defecating reptiles genre, elevating it from the simple tropes of the past into a heartfelt and endearing story about love, the realities of modern living, and shitting snakes. A fun and fast-paced ride, Michael deftly weaves in the melancholia of our current world and how the only thing that ties us together are the bonds with others we choose to build. Along with the shitting of snakes." —Andy Boyle, Pulitzer Prize-winning author of Adulthood for Beginners"Michael Bettendorf's Help! I Can't Stop Shitting Snakes serves up satire in a colorful, ridiculously over-the-top package, but once unwrapped, it reveals rich flavors of social commentary, fierce intelligence, and intense depth of thoughtfulness. At once a love story, a bizarro horror novella, and a scathing indictment of the broken medical industry, this book is a wonderful, wild ride from start to finish. If you've ever complained to your doctor about a health issue and been told to take two aspirin and call back in the morning, this book will resonate with you long after the final page." —Michael Allen Rose, Wonderland Award winning author of Jurassichrist and Last 5 Minutes Of The Human Race"Michael Bettendorf’s Help! I Can’t Stop Shitting Snakes is a churning, propulsive body-horror freakout that is frighteningly relatable; Bettendorf tackles the essential American experience of navigating a dismissive and labyrinthine medical system while also trying to stay afloat at a job you hate. However, his true brilliance lies in how he cuts through this paranoid nightmare, all this painful gut-squirming, to reveal you’ve been reading a love story all along. This book is full of exquisitely gorgeous, grotesque writing, and it also made me quit physical therapy." —Emily Costa, author of Girl on Girl and Until It Feels Right