**Reality has filed a complaint. The complaint is you.**At 2:17 a.m. on a Tuesday, a boy is born who should not, statistically, exist. The hospital computer runs out of numbers trying to calculate the odds. A committee is formed. It will not help.Years later, that boy's problem isn't the government agents, or the Department of Existential Consistency, or even the increasingly tired Auditor sent to make sense of him. It's his own future — every possible version of the man he might grow up to be, all showing up at once, all certain they know how this is supposed to go. A conqueror. A baker. A man who solved suffering by deleting everyone who complained about it. None of them agree. All of them have opinions. None of them have a manual.*Three Futures, No Refunds* is a novel about impossible odds, bureaucratic afterlives, and the very ordinary, very difficult work of growing up when everyone — including yourself, from every angle the universe can produce — insists on telling you who you're going to be.For readers who want their existential crises delivered with a straight face and a filing cabinet: if you've ever wished *The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy* had a heart, or that *Good Omens* had more paperwork, this is your book.No wizards. No new worlds. No spaceships. Just reality, doing its absolute best, and failing beautifully.