You Can't Say That to Me

SUZETTE HADEN ELGIN, Ph.D., is an expert in applied psycholinguistics and the founder of the Ozark Center for Language Studies. She is the author of eight "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" titles, including Genderspeak: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, also published by Wiley. She lives with her family near Huntsville, Arkansas.

• How to use this Book xvIntroduction 1Why do we put up with it? 3Your Personal Verbal Abuse Survey 6Step 1: Recognizing the source of the problem 9Scenario One 9What’s going on here? 9What goes wrong – and why? 13What to do about it: Using Miller’s Law 17Dialogues for analysis 19Another look at Scenario One 21Step 1 Backup 25Sight Bites 29Step 2: Recognizing the source of the solution 31Scenario Two 31What’s going on here? 32The Basics – Defining our terms 34What to do about it: Awareness 43Another look at Scenario Two 49Step 2 Backup 52Sight Bites 54Step 3: Recognizing that you already have everything you need to put an end to verbal violence in your life 56Scenario Three 56What’s going on here? 58The grammar of verbal violence 67What to do about it: choosing your communication strategy 68Another look at Scenario Three 71Step 3 Backup 75Sight Bites 80Step 4: Recognizing that you are an expert in your language 81Scenario Four 81What’s going on here? 83You are an expert in your language 85What to do about it: giving up the myths about verbal abuse 89Another look at Scenario Four 91Step 4 Backup 95Sight Bites 102Step 5: Understanding the two goals of verbal self-defense 104Scenario Five 104What’s going on here? 106Why it matters: The link between verbal and physical violence 108What to do about it: Recognizing abusive language 110Another look at Scenario Five 116Step 5 Backup 119Sight Bites 122Step 6: Deciding never to participate in verbal violence – and following through 125Scenario Six 125What’s going on here? 127The problem of following through 129What to do about it: Dealing with English verbal attack patterns 137Another look at Scenario Six 140Step 6 Backup 143Sight Bites 146Step 7 Maintaining your own healthy language environment 147Scenario Seven 147What’s going on here? 148Language behavior is contagious 149What to do about it: Using the Satir modes 151Another look at Scenario Seven 160Step 7 Backup 162Sight Bites 167Step 8: Taking responsibility for your own language and its consequences 168Scenario Eight 168What’s going on here? 169What to do about it: Taking responsibility 171One more technique: Following the language traffic rules 173Another look at Scenario eight 177Step 8 Backup 182Sight Bite 183Conclusion 185The unifying metaphor in verbal abuse 186What to do about it 186Sight Bites 192Bibliography 193Index to backup material 203Index 205