Polyamorous Elders

Kathy Labriola is a counselor, nurse, and hypnotherapist in a private practice in Berkeley, California, providing affordable mental health services to people in nontraditional relationships for the past thirty years, including the polyamorous, kink, LGBTQ, and sex worker communities. She is the author of Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships, The Jealousy Workbook, and The Polyamory Break-Up Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival. She has been a political activist and a card-carrying bisexual and polyamorist for fifty years. She is "extra crunchy" and lives in a housing cooperative, where she bikes, raises chickens, and grows organic vegetables. Her personal website is www.kathylabriola.com.

A monumental work by a well-seasoned polyamory counselor that explores a little known segment of the burgeoning polyamory lifestyle: GETTING OLD. I loved the detailed case studies that amplify the complexity of polyamory. This book is destined to become a well-deserved polyamory classic.

• AcknowledgmentsIntroduction What Is the Prevalence of Polyamory among Elders? The “Greatest Generation” and the “Baby Boomers” Intersectionality and Poly Elders Studies That Attempt to Fill in the Gaps on Information about Poly Elders Research Methods The Demographics of Case Studies and Examples Presented of Poly Elders PART I: WHAT CHALLENGES ARE MOST COMMON FOR POLY GEEZERS? 1 First of All, Sex! The Changing Nature of Sex for Poly Geezers Case Study #1: Elise The Challenges of Sex for Poly Geezers Joshua’s Story Ginny’s Story Case Study #2: Danilo Case Study #3: Anastasia Jesse’s Story Case Study #4: Libby Strategies Developed by Poly Elders to Solve the Sexual Changes of Aging Case Study #5: Jake and Nora Case Study #6: Joseph Case Study #7: Sita Marilyn’s Story Case Study #8: Lise Jana’s Story Being Poly Can Help Couples Navigate Sexual Problems and Find Delightful Solutions Case Study #9: Jordan and Lourdes Case Study #10: Dolly and Jim 2 Some Poly People Naturally Shift to Monogamy as They Age Case Study #1: Mary and Gene Case Study #2: Vicky and Bart Case Study #3: Terry and Randy 3 Poly Geezers and Celibacy: Is There a Contradiction? What’s Sex Got to Do with It? Flourishing Poly Relationships, but without the Sex! Case Study #1: Paul, Stacey, and Daniel Case Study #2: Francois, Audrey, and Jeannie Case Study #3: Jerome and Raphael Case Study #4: LaRonda and Beeandra 4 The Curious Phenomenon of Successful Older Poly-Mono Couples Case Study #1: Rachel, Matt, and Jerry Case Study #2: Lauren and Kumar Case Study #3: Ayisha, Betty, and Roger Case Study #4: Geraldine and Dre Case Study #5: Sharon, Benny, and Pam The Unique Benefits of Poly Relationships for Older Monogamous Women Cautionary Tales on the Challenges of a Mono-Poly Relationship Case Study #6: Shirley Case Study # 7: Hazel A Few Other Older Women’s “Short Takes” on the Benefits of Mono/Poly Relationships 5 Elders Trying to Explain Polyamory to Their Adult Kids Case Study #1: Nancy, Emma, and Carrie Case Study #2: Jon 6 Older People Who Were “Poly before Polyamory Was Invented” Case Study #1: Harry and Hope Case Study #2: Linda, Bruce, and Cliff Case Study #3: Danielle and Valentino Case Study #4: Frank, Lisa, and Crystal 7 Conflicts over a Partner’s Adult Children and/or Grandchildren Case Study #1: Lucy, Reginald, and Jim Case Study #2: Betsy, Stella, and Ginger PART II: RETIREMENT AND ITS EFFECTS ON POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS 8 When One Partner Is Already Retired and Another Partner Eventually RetiresCase Study #1: Warren, Jen, and Aja Case Study #2: Karen, Benjamin, and Louellen 9 When One Partner Retires but One or More Partners Are Still Working Case Study #1: Joe, Martha, Jerry, and Anita Case Study #2: Kelly, Bill, Phil, and Sue 10 Retirement Can Create More Time and Energy for Poly Relationships, and Poly Geezers Are Pretty Good at Time and Energy ManagementDanny’s Story Poly Geezers Tend to Have Excellent Time and Energy Management Skills John’s Story Case Study #1: Blanche Case Study #2: Tommy, Janet, and Bertha Are Elders Good at Polyamory or Is Polyamory Good for Elders? 11 Retirement Can Shine a Spotlight on Incompatibilities Ricardo and Maria’s Story Case Study #1: Joanna, Buddy, Harriet, and Tad PART III: WHEN POLY ELDERS WANT (OR NEED) TO MOVE INTO SENIOR LIVING FACILITIES 12 Poly Elders Fear Discrimination and Hostility in Senior Housing Case Study #1: Joanne, Jay, and Patsy Case Study #2: Pierre and Pharell Case Study #3: Miriam Stan and Martin’s Story Case Study #4: Ellen, Jamie, and Evie 13 What Are the Options for Polys in Senior Living? Sex-Positive Senior Housing: Is That an Oxymoron? Elder Care Professionals’ Perspectives on Poly Elders and Senior Living Facilities Lessons from the Experience of LGBTQ Elders in Senior Living Facilities Case Study #1: Russell, Matilda, and Ray Case Study #2: Evelyn, Lou, and Nikki Senior Cohousing Communities May Be a Poly-Friendly Senior Housing Option PART IV: POLY GEEZERS COPING WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS AND DISABILITIES 14 The Effects of Medical Conditions on Poly Elders and Relationships Case Study #1: Rhonda, Josh, and Sarona Medical Conditions Complicate the Logistics and Romance of Poly Relationships Katie’s Story Case Study #2: Rajah, Sabre, Rachel, and Dasan Tanika and Katherine’s Story Case Study #3: Miles, Shane, and Art Paul’s Story Case Study #4: Jacinda, Maddy, and Millie 15 Caregiving Responsibilities for Elderly Relatives “Younger Elders” with Responsibilities for Elderly Parents Case Study #1: Wanda and Amelia Case Study #2: Orit, Aryeh, and Donna Sue Remi’s Story No “One Right Answer” to Caring for Elderly Parents Case Study #3: Keiko, Rich, and Frank Case Study #4: Robbie Strategies and Planning for Successful Caregiving 16 Advantages of Polyamory through Caregiving, Death, and Mourning Kate, Gustav, and Phillip’s Story 17 Twenty-First-Century Pandemics and Poly Elders: Lessons from the Age of COVID-19 How Are Poly Elders Coping in the Age of COVID-19? Case Study #1: Lindsey, Jose, and Maris The Impact of Isolation and Loneliness on Poly Elders Due to COVID-19 Case Study #2: Myrna Case Study #3: Mary Jo, Emile, and Hallie Case Study #4: Joan, Juan, and June Marlene and Mary’s Story Case Study #5: Kimberly, Frank, and Iris Anita’s Story Case Study #6: Amy Ann, Zekia, and Shelley Internet Dating in the Midst of a Pandemic Blythe’s Story Sumati Sparks’ Pandemic Dating Advice Case Study #7: Rosalinda, Xavier, and Gemina Internet Dating May Morph into Dating in Real Life Case Study #8: Moira, Guillermo, and Lee 18 Poly Mutual Aid: Elders’ Polycules Come through for Them during the Pandemic Rashida’s Story Case Study #1: Lucille, Duncan, and Kara Poly Elders Find Stronger Support from Their Polycules Case Study #2: Lei Case Study #3: Sarah, Rashi, and Harlan Poly Elders’ Experience with Grief and Loss during the Pandemic Liliana’s Story Parting Words on the COVID-19 Pandemic and Poly Elders PART V: POLYAMORY AND THE DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS OF AGING 19 What Are the Developmental Tasks for Poly Elders?Case Study #1: Hans and Meg 20 Poly Geezers Creating a New Life “Postcareer and Postkids” Case Study #1: Shereen, Ranil, and Denise 21 “Life Review” as a Developmental Task for Poly Geezers Case Study #1: Marcus, Gwen, and Lola Cole’s Story Case Study #2: Debbie 22 Poly Elders Accepting the Deaths of Loved Ones, and Their Own Mortality Case Study #1: Geri, Frank, and Angela Case Study #2: Alonzo Case Study #3: Deonte, Linden, Lon, and John Case Study #4: Louise and Natalie Poly Elders’ Unique Experience of the Developmental Tasks of Aging 23 Legal and Financial Issues for Poly Elders: Estate Planning, Advance Directives, and Other Strategies to Protect Poly Families Advance Health Care Directives Durable Power of Attorney Wills Estate Planning Advice from Poly-Friendly Attorneys Divorce or the Demise of a Poly Relationship Strategies to Mitigate the High Cost of Care Marta’s Story Poly Elders Need to Talk about “The Three Ds”: Disability, Death, and Divorce 24 A Few Parting Words and Directions for Further Study Bibliography: Books on Consensual Nonmonogamy, Open Relationships, and Polyamory Compiled by Sonia SongReferences Index About the Author