He Chose Porn Over Me: Women Harmed by Men Who Use Porn

Melinda Tankard Reist is an author, speaker, media commentator, blogger and advocate for women and girls. She is best known for her work addressing sexualisation of girls, objectification of women, pornification of culture, sexual exploitation and trafficking and violence against women. Melinda is author/editor of five books with Spinifex Press. An opinion writer for a range of mainstream and online media (including ABC and SBS), Melinda is also a regular on morning television and has appeared on ABCs Q&A and The Gruen Sessions as well as many other TV and radio programs. Melinda is co-founder of the grassroots campaigning movement, Collective Shout: for a world free of exploitation, exposing corporations, advertisers and marketers who objectify women and sexualise girls to sell products and services. An ambassador for World Vision Australia, Compassion Australia and the Raise Foundation, Melinda is named in the Whos Who of Australian Women and the World Whos Who of Women.

"Occasionally a book comes along that changes the way we think about the world. "He Chose Porn Over Me" Women Harmed by Men Who Use Porn is such a book. Reading the stories of women whose partners chose porn is both heartbreaking and enraging, and can not be ignored. This book should light a fire under the anti-porn movement so we organize to rid the world of this misogynist, multi-billion- dollar predatory industry. Women deserve no less!" --Gail Dines PhD, Professor Emerita of Sociology, President: Culture Reframed "Thank goodness for this very much needed and extremely powerful book. The development of the porn industry has transformed the relations between the sexes. The advances women made have been severely undermined by the introduction of the rules of the brothel, contempt, misogyny, sexual abuse, to the lives and relationships of the women whose male partners are the consumers. We hear a lot about the poor men who are sex addicted or find their lives negatively affected. But of the women who suffer, almost nothing until this powerful expose. Porn use needs to be understood as a serious aspect of men's violence against women in the home. Not only are women's relationships and sex lives destroyed, but they are also made responsible for trying to change the men. They are the ones who have to find counsellors for partners who have no interest in change. They have to nag and cajole until the abuse is too much and they must leave. Then they may lose custody of their children, their homes, and face poverty. This book will do a great service of warning women and helping them decide to leave. I hope it will spur the feminist campaigns for the abolition of pornography too!" --Sheila Jeffreys, author of Penile Imperialism: The Male Sex Right and Women's Subordination and Trigger Warning: My Lesbian Feminist Life "To read "He Chose Porn Over Me" is a heartbreaking roller-coaster. The testimonies are diverse, but the message is the same: when men use porn, women and children suffer. The bravery and clarity these women offer on the real impact of pornography on relationships, families, sexual intimacy, physical safety and emotional connection, is groundbreaking. Melinda's thorough and astute research and commentary demonstrates that we urgently need to view porn as the pervasive and destructive weapon it is, and work together to teach our children about safe, respectful and loving sexuality." --Anna McGahan, actor and playwright "It's impossible to count the number of victims produced by the allegedly 'victimless' activities in the sexual-exploitation industries. "He Chose Porn Over Me" documents the incredible pain and suffering - psychological and often physical - of women whose partners are compulsive pornography users. The stories collected by Melinda Tankard Reist are heart-breaking, both for the women who endured the abuse and for readers willing to look honestly at men's controlling and corrosive behaviour. But these stories also remind us of how women's courage and resilience provide a way out of abusive relationships." --Robert Jensen, emeritus professor, University of Texas at Austin, author of The End of Patriarchy: Radical Feminism for Men "In "He Chose Porn Over Me" Melinda Tankard Reist has pulled back the curtain on the too-often secret and misunderstood lives of the partners who are impacted by men's porn use. She gives voice to these women who have had their hearts broken, trust shattered and lives turned upside down, enabling them to tell the stories they have kept silent about for so long. This book is an important documentation of the real relational and emotional harm caused to so many by compulsive sexual behaviours by men. I applaud Melinda and all the brave women who shared their stories." --Paul Lavergne, Psychotherapist, Sexual Recovery Therapist, Educator, Trainer, and Creator of The Damage Control Protocol

• Introduction - Melinda Tankard ReistHe chose porn over me. - Courtney CatEarthHe used me like a blow-up doll. Florence The pornography warped his mind. He believed all women wanted to have sex with him. - SarahI left my first husband because of porn. My second husband promised he didnt use it. He lied. - CatherineThey looked like his students. - CeratoniaHow can he say he loves me if he finds the women in porn more attractive? - AmaliaI longed for intimacy, but he could not have sex without imagining that I was a prostitute. - AnnieI lost touch with my integrity, I lost my bearings. - SharniI was being groomed to become a porn star in the bedroom. - MaggieIf you stay ... a glimpse into your future if you marry a porn addict. - Sarah McDugalYouve burned down my house and everything in it. - GingerHe tried to kill me. - MoriahPorn, sex chat rooms, nude beaches ... but I was blamed for the end of our marriage. - MayaThe compromise to my integrity and my value as a woman felt too great to continue this life with him. - CarlaI am a broken woman ... I guess hes happy enough with his digital girls. - EvelynI was disturbed that I was in a relationship with someone who enjoyed getting off on abuse and hatred of women. - GemmaI knew in my heart that staying would be a slow, agonising death. - SerenaI felt blackmailed into sex to keep a stable home for my children. I saw myself as a prostitute. - LucyHe expected me to be up for sex at any time. - RivkaBlood rushed to my face, my body went cold: I found multiple searches for teen porn. - AngieI had always taught my kids about stranger danger, but I had a monster in our home. - MareeI was told it was my fault. Somehow he became the victim. - KateHe told me I was being unreasonable, that all men watch porn, and that all men masturbate - ReneeRun like your house is on fire. - MelissaHe expected me to be available for him, even if I was sick, tired, had my period, recovering from surgery or having a baby. - TashGlossaryResources