Sarah Anna James – författare

Luka was supposed to be a girl. He knows he was supposed to be a girl because his older brother Ray told him so. It''s not that he always believes what Ray says, under normal circumstances he doesn''t trust Ray at all, but in this case he knows Ray''s telling the truth because he heard his mother say the same thing. Well not exactly the same, but almost. It was late one night when she''d had a bit to drink, she was crying and telling his father over and over again how unfair it was that he had his boys and she would never have her girl.

Luka knows he was meant to be a girl because when he was eleven his mother had another baby, the baby he was meant to be, a baby girl, his baby sister, Jazzie.

Luka wanted to hate Jazzie, thought it would be easy to hate her because she''d breezed into his life being what everyone had wanted him to be, but he found he couldn''t, found he ended up loving her just as much as everyone else in the family did.

Now things are completely different though, Jazzie and Luka''s mother are dead. Luka''s surprised at how much he misses Jazzie, how much he wants her back. More surprising than even that though is how angry he is at his mother for choosing Jazzie when she could have chosen him and Ray instead.

           In the days after the bomb blast that tore Luka''s mum and Jazzie away, Luka''s family begins to fall apart. His dad retreats to his bedroom with the blinds closed and the bed covers pulled up to his chin, refusing to eat and unable to string more than one or two words together. Ray slips into vigilante mode and starts stalking a family from school who he insists is responsible for the bombing. Luka, who has always been the peacemaker, tries desperately to hold everyone together whilst at the same time battling his own demons of guilt and rage.

           In the end Ray is arrested for harassing the family he thinks are responsible for the bombing. When the police bring Ray home Luka''s dad is forced to get out of bed and face the world outside his bedroom. Sitting with the police in the lounge room it''s the first time Ray, Luka and their dad hear about Luka''s mum and how she talked her way into the kindergarten, past a policeman and in through the back door. Whilst the police are apologising and saying that the police officer concerned has been forced to resign, Luka, thinking he has found the final proof that his mother loved Jazzie more, collapses and looses consciousness for three days.

           When Luka finally wakes he starts crying and can''t stop. He blurts out words to his father that he doesn''t want to say, ''Mum chose Jazzie over me! If it had been me in the kindy she would have still chosen Jazzie, she would have come home instead of getting blown up.'' Luka''s both horrified and embarrassed by what he''s saying, but his body won''t let the words hide inside anymore. Luka thinks his dad will be angry, thinks his dad will tell him that he''s being selfish and stupid, but all his dad does is sit and hold Luka to him, telling him over and over again that it''s OK, that he understands, that sometimes he''s felt exactly the same way himself.

           Luka, with the love of his father and surprisingly Ray, and the help of birthday presents and a card that his mum had prepared for him before she died, comes to realise that his mum did love him. He starts to accept that whether she loved Jazzie more is something he will never know and probably doesn''t need to.