Making Marriage Work For Dummies

Steven Simring, M.D., M.P.H., and Sue Klavans Simring, D.S.W., are experienced lecturers and psychotherapists who have appeared regularly on The Oprah Winfrey Show and The Montel Williams Show. Gene Busnar is a freelance writer.

• Foreword xxiiiIntroduction 1Why You Need This Book 1How This Book Is Organized 2Part I: What It Means To Say “I Do!” 2Part II: Can We Talk? 2Part III: Making Marriage Sexy 3Part IV: Examining the Marriage Life Cycle 3Part V: Maintaining a Healthy Marriage 4Part VI: The Part of Tens 4Icons Used in This Book 4Where to Go from Here 5Part I: What It Means To Say “I Do!” 7Chapter 1: Taking a Candid Look at Marriage 9To Marry or Not to Marry? 9Understanding Marriage Pluses and Minuses 11Marriage pluses 11Marriage minuses 12Why Marriage Isn’t for Everyone 14Knowing that Unrealistic Expectations Cause Problems 14Deflating Six Common Marriage Myths 15Finding Mr or Ms Right 16Two people in a good marriage automatically grow closer with time 16When couples argue, it destroys the relationship 16Pursuing your own individual needs is incompatible with making a marriage work 17Marriage partners can fill the gaps in one another’s makeup 18The goal of marriage is for both partners to get exactly what they want 19Chapter 2: The Five Building Blocks of a Working Marriage 21Developing a Realistic View of Marriage 21Treasuring What the Two of You Have in Common 24Making Room for Separateness in Your Togetherness 27Agree to do some things separately 29Develop a balance that suits your relationship 31Making the Most of Your Differences 31Combine your strengths 32Using your differences to mirror one another’s positive traits 32Remember that your differences were once interesting and pleasurable — not sources of conflict 32Accepting That Not All Problems Can Be Solved 33Part II: Can We Talk? 35Chapter 3: Understanding the Roots of Marital Problems 37Unraveling a Three-Sided Story 37Recognizing what you bring to the mix 38Recognizing what your partner brings to the mix 40Recognizing the patterns in your marriage 42Changing negative patterns through positive mirroring 43Working Together to Build a Stronger Marriage 44How is your marriage doing? 45Troubleshooting marital problems 46Chapter 4: Communicating with Your Partner 47Recognizing That You’re Always Communicating 48Watch for changes in mood and attitude 49Tune into body language 49Look for signs of nervousness or tension 49Double-check the meaning of gestures 50Understanding How You Talk to Each Other 51Sharpening your listening skills 52Recognize the impact of conversational pacing differences 55Husbands, Wives, and Their Communication Styles 56Understanding the Importance of Negotiation in Marriage 58Applying the tools of win-win negotiation to marriage 59Maintaining an ongoing dialogue — especially in matters of the heart 62Chapter 5: Fighting the Fair Way 65Understanding That Fights Will Happen 65Looking for Signs of Unhealthy Fighting 66Does one spouse fear the other? 67Does one spouse become physically threatening? 67Does one spouse destroy property? 67Does one spouse become verbally or emotionally abusive? 68Do you fight in front of your children? 69Does alcohol play a role in your fights? 70Negotiating to Prevent Fights, When Possible 70Punctuality 71Neatness 73Planning 75Having a Healthy Fight 76Defer to the partner who feels most strongly 76Assume good will 78Maintain a balance, but don’t keep score 78Following the Rules of Fair Fighting 79Be clear about what you (and your partner) want 79Limit the scope of the argument to the issue at hand 79Seek a resolution that both of you can live with 80Go to bed angry, if necessary 80Look for exceptions 80See the glass as half full, not as half empty 81Remember to be kind 82Apologize when you need to 83Avoiding the Don’ts of Fair Fighting 83Don’t look for total victory or unconditional surrender 83Don’t intentionally prolong the argument 83Don’t nag or withdraw 84Don’t bring out the heavy artillery 85Part III: Making Marriage Sexy 87Chapter 6: Developing a Great Sex Life 89Understanding Changes in Sexual Chemistry 89Communicating Your Sexual Desires 91Breaking Down Three Major Roadblocks to Good Sex 94Children 94Stress and marital tensions 96Workaholism 96Understanding Why People Don’t Know What to Expect from Sex 97Deflating Five Common Sex Myths 98Men are more interested in sex than are women 99Married people don’t (or shouldn’t) masturbate 100Foreplay is a separate part of the sexual experience 100There’s a difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms 101Sex fades as a couple ages 102Chapter 7: When Sex Falters 105Recognizing Potential Blocks to Sexual Pleasure 105Understanding the Causes and Treatments of Sexual Dysfunction 107Problems with sexual desire 108Problems with sexual arousal 110Problems reaching orgasm 113Finding the Right Kind of Professional Help 117Part IV: Examining the Marriage Life Cycle 119Chapter 8: The First Years of Marriage 121The New Most Important Person in Your Life 121Negotiating family loyalties 122Setting boundaries with both your families 125Understanding the Shifting Role of Friends 127Negotiating opposite-sex friendships 129Developing friendships with other couples 130Coming to Terms with Changes in Sexual Chemistry 132Adjusting to Each Other’s Rhythms and Quirks 133Pinpointing Early Marriage Danger Zones 136Chapter 9: The Growing Family 139Deciding Whether You’re Ready for Children 139Choosing when to have a child 140What if you and your spouse can’t agree about having children 141Getting Ready for the Financial Hit 142Understanding the Emotional Impact 144Balancing Career and Family 146Resolving the Childcare Dilemma 148Considering alternate work styles 149Dividing parental responsibilities 150Deciding to Have a Second Child 152Marriage without Kids 154Chapter 10: Women and Men at Midlife 157Recognizing the First Stirrings of Middle Age 157Meeting the Challenges of Your “Second Adulthood” 161Evaluating your personal satisfaction 162Evaluating your satisfaction with family-planning choices 164Evaluating your career satisfaction 165Understanding Men’s Midlife Concerns 167Understanding a Woman’s Emotional Changes at Midlife 169Understanding a Woman’s Physical Changes at Midlife 171Chapter 11: Making the Most of Marriage at Midlife 175Evaluating Your Marriage at Midlife 176Becoming a Couple Again after Children Grow Up 178Redesigning Your Marriage 180Caring for Aging Parents 181Planning for Retirement 184Chapter 12: Remarriage and Stepfamilies 189Understanding the Emotions of Remarrying 189Remarrying after the death of a spouse 190Remarrying after a divorce 191Making a Second Marriage Work 193Understanding the Complex Issues That Stepfamilies Face 194Understanding remarriage finances 195Forming a new family unit 196My children, your children, our children 199Part V: Maintaining a Healthy Marriage 203Chapter 13: Reducing the Stress on Your Marriage 205Understanding Negative and Positive Stress 206Dealing with Your Own Stressors 206Keeping Stress from Undermining Your Marriage 209Dealing with Stress in the “Red Zone” 212Understanding the Connection Between Stress and Control 214Assessing the Impact of Stress on Your Marriage 215Chapter 14: Exploring the Role of Money in Marriage 219Recognizing How You and Your Partner Deal with Money 219Recognizing How Money Problems Can Threaten Your Marriage 222Understanding what’s behind compulsive spending 223Understanding what’s behind miserly behavior 224Recognizing How Money Impacts the Balance of Power in Marriage 225Understanding How a Flexible Marriage Protects Your Financial Future 228Chapter 15: Examining Extramarital Affairs — and Knowing What to Do about Them 231Understanding What an Affair Is — and Isn’t 232Understanding Why (and When) Spouses Cheat 233Danger zone 1: Shortly after the wedding 234Danger zone 2: When a baby enters the family 235Danger zone 3: The seven-year itch 237Danger zone 4: The midlife marriage crisis 238Understanding What to Do About a Cheating Spouse 241Admitting Versus Denying Infidelity 244Rebuilding a Marriage After an Affair 245Chapter 16: Getting Outside Help 249Recognizing Problems that Require Outside Help 249Problem drinking 250Drug abuse 251Compulsive gambling 252Domestic violence 253Unresolved grief 254Depression 255When a child has a serious physical or emotional problem 256When the two of you are unable to resolve differences 257When one or both of you has decided to seek a divorce 257Finding the Right Kind of Outside Help 258Deflating Six Common Therapy Myths 261One school of therapy is better than another 262Successful therapy has more to do with the therapist than the client 262A therapist’s job is to make you feel good 262A therapist is supposed to champion your cause 263A therapist’s views and values don’t matter 264The goal of therapy is to solve all your problems 264Chapter 17: Understanding Divorce and Its Alternatives 267Deciding if Your Marriage Is Worth Saving 267Evaluating your investment in the marriage 269Understanding the impact of divorce on children 272Winning Back Your Mate 275Reframing Your View of a Flawed Marriage 277Creating the Kind of Marriage That Works Best for You 279Agree to live as friends or compatible roommates 279Make family your main priority 280Recast your marriage as a business partnership 280Have a low-risk extramarital affair 281Recognizing When Divorce Is Your Best Option 281Part VI: The Part of Tens 283Chapter 18: Ten Ways to Make Your Marriage More Romantic 285Pay Attention to Your Appearance 285Show Your Love Every Day 286Use Words of Love 286Use a Gentle Touch 287Make Time to Be Alone Together 287Do All of the Traditional Things — Even if They Seem Corny 288Do Something Out of the Ordinary 289Play and Laugh Together 290Revisit Your Shared History 291Chapter 19: Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner 293“You Never” or “You Always” 293“Yes, But ” 294“It’s All Your Fault” 295“Are You Getting Fat?” 295“That’s Not My Job” 296“Why Can’t You Be More Like ?” 297“I’ll Try” 297“Forget It, I Don’t Want to Fight” 298“I’m Getting a Divorce” 298Chapter 20: Ten Ways To Have a Fair Fight 301Understand What’s Really Going On 301Stick to the Issues 302Listen Beyond the Literal Words 302Look at Both Sides 303Look for Ways to Bend without Breaking 303Use Strategic Timing 304Don’t Garbage-Bag 304Don’t Go for the Jugular 305Don’t Take the Moral High Ground 305Make Sure Both of You Can Live with the Outcome 305Chapter 21: Ten Signs That Your Marriage Is in Trouble 307One Spouse Is Physically Violent 308One Spouse Is Verbally Abusive 308One Spouse Is Abusing Alcohol or Drugs 308One Spouse Has a Problem with Compulsive Gambling or Compulsive Spending 309One Spouse Is a Workaholic 310One Spouse Is Having an Affair 310One Spouse Is Depressed 311The Two of You Disagree About Having Children 312You and Your Partner Have Stopped Having Sex 313You and Your Partner No Longer Enjoy Being Together 314Chapter 22: Ten Ways to Have a More Exciting Sex Life 315Make Sexual Contact Part of Your Everyday Life 315Expand Your Sexual Horizons 316Tell and Show Each Other What Pleases You 317Unleash the Power of Fantasy 318Take Advantage of Pornography 318Make Special Time for Sex 319Become an Artful Kisser 319Don’t Focus Just on the Orgasm 320Talk Sexy 320Have Sex With Someone You Love — Yourself! 321Appendix A: References 323Chapter 1 323Chapter 2 323Chapter 4 323Chapter 5 324Chapter 6 324Chapter 7 325Chapter 8 325Chapter 9 326Chapter 10 326Chapter 11 326Chapter 12 327Chapter 13 328Chapter 14 328Chapter 15 328Chapter 16 329Chapter 17 329Chapter 22 329Sources of Quotations 330Bibliography 330Appendix B: Resources 335Premarital Counseling 335Therapy and Counseling 335Infertility and Adoption 336Sexual Difficulties 336Stress 337Retirement 337Mental Illness 337Alcoholism and Other Addictive Behaviors 337Domestic Abuse 338Divorce 338Index 341