Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Beverly Engel, LMFT, is an internationally recognized psychotherapist and an acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. She is the author of twenty-three self-help books, including Loving Him without Losing You, Healing Your Emotional Self, and The Nice Girl Syndrome. Beverly frequently lends her expertise to national television shows and has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and Starting Over. She has a blog on the Psychology Today website and has been featured in publications including O, The Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, The Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post, and more.

• Acknowledgments xiAbout the Author xiiiIntroduction to Second Edition xvPart One Identifying and Understanding Emotional AbuseChapter 1 Emotional Abuse— The Destroyer of Relationships 3What Is Emotional Abuse? 6How Emotional Abuse Does Damage 7Determining Whether You Are Being Emotionally Abusive 10No Monsters Here 12Ending Emotional Abuse 15Chapter 2 Patterns of Abuse 17Domination 19Verbal Assaults 20Constant Criticism/Continual Blaming 21Abusive Expectations 22Emotional Blackmail 22Unpredictable Responses 24Constant Chaos/Creating Crisis 25Character Assassination 25Gaslighting 26Sexual Harassment 27Clear and Consistent Patterns 28Overt and Covert Abuse 28Intentional and Unintentional Abuse 29Chapter 3 Not All Emotionally Abusive Relationships Are Alike 33The Seven Types of Emotionally Abusive Relationships 35Part Two Healing Your Childhood and Your Unhealthy PatternsChapter 4 Patterns That Begin in Childhood: Why We Abuse and Why We Take It 47The Repetition Compulsion 50The Core of the Compulsion— An Abusive Childhood 53Abusive Styles of Parenting 55The Power of Unfinished Business 58Your Original Abuser 59Another Pattern: Victim or Abuser? 60Anger In, Anger Out—Male and Female Patterns 61How Shame Affects Victims of Abuse 62Chapter 5 Complete Your Unfinished Business (For Both Victims and Abusers) 651. Admit the Fact That You Were the Victim of Abuse or Neglect 672. Acknowledge to Yourself That You Have Unexpressed Feelings of Anger, Pain, Fear, and Shame Because of Your Childhood Experiences of Neglect, Abandonment, or Abuse 733. Allow Yourself to Feel and Express Your Emotions Connected to the Neglect or Abuse You Experienced 754. Find Safe, Constructive Ways of Releasing or Expressing These Feelings 775. Confront Your Abuser(s) (Indirectly Preferred) 796. Resolve Your Relationship With Your Original Abuser(s) (Set Boundaries, Temporary or Permanent Separation, Forgive) 80Chapter 6 Healing Your Shame with Self- Compassion 81The Cure for Shame: Self-Compassion 86Repeating the Cycle of Abuse 92Part Three Stopping the AbuseChapter 7 Action Steps for Those Being Abused 99The Program 103Specific Advice and Strategies 121Chapter 8 Action Steps for the Abusive Partner 123The Program 126Chapter 9 Action Steps for the Abusive Couple 147Stop Blaming Each Other 150The Program 152Chapter 10 When Your Partner Has a Personality Disorder 161Determining Whether Your Partner Suffers from BPD 164Twin Fears— Abandonment and Engulfment 166Strategies to Help You Cope and to Stop the Emotional Abuse 168Determining Whether Your Partner Suffers from NPD 171Strategies to Help You Cope and Stop the Emotional Abuse 174Should You Tell Your Partner that You Suspect They Have a Personality Disorder? 177When You Both Suffer from a Personality Disorder 178Chapter 11 When Your Abusiveness Stems from Your Personality Disorder 179Do You Suffer from BPD? 182How BPD Can Lead to Emotionally Abusive Behavior 183How You Can Begin to Change Your Emotionally Abusive Behavior 186Strategies for Specific Borderline Behaviors 191Do You Suffer from NPD? 191How NPD Leads to Abusive Behavior 193How You Can Begin to Change Your Emotionally Abusive Behavior 194My Personal Program for Overcoming Narcissistic Tendencies 196Part Four Where Do You Go from Here?Chapter 12 Should You Stay or Should You Leave? 201Strong Reasons to Stay 203You May Still Need to Leave 205Strong Reasons to Leave 205When You Definitely Need to Leave 206When You Are Resisting Leaving 209Trust and Forgiveness 209Chapter 13 Preventing Emotional Abuse in the Future 211For the Abused Partner 213For the Abusive Partner— Catch Yourself in the Act 217For Both Partners 218Chapter 14 Continuing to Recover 221True Power Comes from Knowing You Have Choices 223Key Issues for Victims and Abusers 224Specific Strategies for the Abused Partner 228Recovery for the Abusive Partner 230For Both Partners— Finding the Right Therapist 232Treatment for BPD and NPD 233Be Realistic about Your Partner Changing 234Epilogue 235References 237Further Reading 239Index 243