Pains on Trains

Andrew Holmes is a writer, serial commuter, gadfly and collector of stories and observations about the people around him. He spends far too much time on trains for his own good and is seeking professional help to overcome the obsessive-compulsive disorders that have resulted. He likes to spend as much time as possible with his family - assuming he ever gets home of course. Matt Reeves lives and works somewhat beyond the M25. Rumours that he is the model for 'The Creative' as featured in this book are grossly over-exaggerated. Working on this project has given Matt a more detailed understanding of the UK rail system and its commuters than he would have ideally liked. All proceeds derived by Matt from this book will be put towards his helicopter fund.

"…start ‘pain spotting’ and put the fun back in to commuting…" (Publishing News, 12 September 2003) "…A new book Pains on Trains offers advice on taking it all [irritating commuters] in your stride..."(Daily Mirror, 24 October 2003)"…hugely funny…" (Oxford Mail, 31 October 2003)"…Pains on trains is a hugely funny and brilliantly Observed look at the different types of people…" (Edinburgh Evening News, 1 November 2003)"…hugely funny…" (Cambridge Evening News, 8 November 2003)"…hysterically accurate…" (Southern Daily Echo, 8 November 2003)"…brilliantly observed…" (East Anglian Daily Times, November 2003)"…hysterically accurate…with wonderful descriptions and illustrations…" (Irish News (Belfast), 1 November 2003)"....I like to think of myself as fairly curmudgeonly, though I am mild-mannered compared to Andrew Holmes and Matthew Reeves who have produced a book called Pains on Trains...this consists of 50 different types of people who annoy the authors on trains..." (The Guardian, April 2006)

• Preface 6Acknowledgements 8Trial by Commuting 10The Beggar 16The Belligerent 20The Born in a Stable 24The Broadsheet 28The City Boy 32The Clique 36The Creative 40The Deadbeat 44The Death Breath 48The Double Seater 52The Drunk 56The Engager 60The Enquirer 64The Family 68The Fast Fooder 72The Flamboyant Groin 76The Gadget 80The Gaggle 84The Group 88The Hero 92The High-flier 96The Late Starter 100The Lovers 104The Make Up Artist 108The Mammoth 112The Mobile Phoner 116The New Worker 120The Night Clubbers 124The Nose Picker 128The Nutter 132The Over Your Shoulder 136The Pervert 140The Phantom Farter 144The Reservist 148The Ritualist 152The Sardine Packer 156The Sleeper 160The Social Climber 164The Spinster 168The Starer 172The Stinker 176The Stretcher 180The Territorialist 184The Texter 188The Toff 192The Train Timer 196The Traveller 200The Vomiter 204The Wheeled Caser 108The Youth 212Afterword 216