Mike Haskins – författare

The ultimate joke book with over 3,000 side-splitting jokes for every occasion: ranging from one-liners and observations, to classic funny stories that will provide hours of fun. Mike Haskins and Stephen Arnott collate this wonderful comedy-fest full of quick-fire one-liners, timely observations and rambling yarns – from the classic to the modern. This book contains quips for every occasion: from a best man’s speech to a sales conference, for swapping around the dinner table and even for when you’re sitting on the loo!Arranged by subject matter, you’ll always be able to find just the right joke for any situation. (Unless you're a child, because this book is strictly for adults only.)This hilarious collection will appeal to those who want to find a specific rib-tickler for an upcoming event, and to those who wants to settle down in an armchair and have a good old laugh. From the hilariously cringe-worthy dad joke, to the witty brain-teaser, 3000 Jokes, 2997 Laughs will leave you the funniest person in every room.Jokes include: Tom’s eyesight is getting very bad. He’s had to get a special new pair of glasses to help him find where he left his old glasses. What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador. Today is the birthday of the inventor of the boomerang. I think we should all wish him Many Happy Returns. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus. Settle in, and prepare to laugh your socks off!

Man Walks Into A Bar is a one-stop shop for anyone who likes to hear and tell jokes. The jokes are ordered thematically - wives, husbands, doctors, lawyers, the French, the Germans, jokes about nuns, jokes about monkeys, the lot. There are also regular panels which group jokes by type too - Essex girls, changing a lightbulb etc. Our material will turn you into the toast of your local pub or make you loathed in your own home - remember, it is all in the telling. From the sublimely erudite to stuff Frank Carson would turn down (the book has a 'world's worst jokes' section), this book can service you with every joke you'll ever need.What do you call an eskimo chav?InnuinnitWhat did the zen student say at the hamburger stand?Make me one with everythingWhat's Irish and lives in the garden?Paddy O'Furniture

A hilarious collection of the weirdest, stupidest and most outrageous things ever saidon the internet on sites such as Facebook, Twitter, Ebay, Amazon, YouTube andeven in good old-fashioned emails. Years ago if you said or did something stupid or embarrassing, it would have remainedrelatively private and have would soon been forgotten. Now thanks to advances in technology every cringe-making remark that we make online is preserved not only for the rest of eternity but is also instantly available for all the world to see! Wow! I'm a Genieous! presents an irresistible collection of ill-thought out comments, opinions, online disputes and sheer unashamed ignorance.So join us as we find the people who put the twit in Twitter and the mess in instant message. Contents include:Stupid Questions and Stupid Answers: e.g. "Does anyone know Obama's last name?" "Are there any lakes in the Lake District?" Angry Outbursts: Furious, insane or wildly over the top comments from You Tube etcHarrods it ain't - buying and selling on the internet: "I won a filthy Powerbook 540 which took about one month to arrive. The seller clearly used rubbish from their bin to pack the box; complete with McDonalds wrappers with old french fries and lettuce!"Observations To Leave You Speechless: "Does it rain in Australia? Because it's the other side of the world doesn't the rain just fall away into space?", "The Olympics has been going three thousand years?! We're only up to 2012!" "I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur."Reviews from Hell: "The beach was too sandy and there were too many fish in the sea...", "We went on holiday to Spain and had problems with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish"Online Slip Ups: Internet-based disasters e.g. the school headmaster who asked his bursar to reply to a complaint from an old lady by telling her to "get stuffed" but accidentally copied her in on the message Communication Problems: Extraordinary spelling mistakes and terrible grammar e.g. "nothing more fun than wachting sex and city and raping Christmas pressants", "Why is the USA bombin Labia?"People Who Really Don't Deserve Our Money: e.g. An email from a Euromillions winner promising you a share of their win. As if!

Is your eyesight failing, are you not very good at driving yourself or are you simply blind drunk? These are just a few of the reasons why it would make perfect sense to teach your dog to be your new chauffeur. Here, for the first time, is a complete guide: how to get your dog acquainted with the controls, which breeds are the safest drivers, frequently asked questions; and how to get your dog successfully through their tests.Never again need you wait for a taxi, or make that long motorway drive unassisted. If you are a dog owner and a car owner, then How to Teach Your Dog to Drive will be the most useful book you buy this year, or even this decade . . .

Finally, you're a proper grown-up! But between the paunch and the mortgage, you're starting to wonder if this is what you really want. You need midlife crisis survival skills:- Stop calling it a midlife crisis and start calling it Teenagehood part 2.- Do go to the gym occasionally. Don't train to join the Olympic weightlifting team.This mischievous little book will help you enjoy your second youth with tongue-in-cheek advice and cheeky illustrations.

Welcome to The Wicked Wit of Cricket, a compendium packed with the game’s greatest stories from both on and off the field. ‘The English,’ as George Bernard Shaw once remarked, ‘are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.’ Some might call it eternity. Others might instead regard it as heaven. The world of cricket is nevertheless one that is filled with larger than life characters – be they the great players, the unforgettable commentators, the legendary umpires or the most enthusiastic and barmiest fans. The contest between leather and willow is, after all, only challenged by soccer as the world's most popular sport.The Wicket Wit of Cricket is a sumptuous feast of cricket’s greatest tales, legends and anecdotes all spread out across the clubhouse table in bite-sized pieces. Bringing together the sport’s most famous quips, insults, pranks, mishaps, incredible facts, outrageous incidents, plus all those great moments of commentary where the words did not come out quite as intended. This is a book packed not just with wicked wit but with wicket wit as well!

See the funny side of ageing with this collection of amusing observations, silly suggestions and humorous illustrations - the perfect gift for any birthday girl or boy with more than a few candles on their cakeSo you're a little bit older. So what? Just because you're getting on a bit doesn't mean you have to start acting ancient. The universe is over 13 billion years old, and you're probably nowhere near that yet - well, not quite anyway.Frankly, it's never too early to start enjoying your second childhood, to stop taking life so seriously and to start acting a bit silly again. This book will be your go-to guide for inspiration and merriment while clocking up birthdays like they're going out of fashion.Across these pages, you'll find all kinds of wild recommendations and questionable advice, including:- Things it's never too late to do- Grown-up and less grown-up ways to behave at work- How to keep up with modern technology- Ways you can blend in with younger people- Things you can have tantrums about as you get olderSo forget the creaking joints or fleeing follicles and embrace the opportunities for mischief and mirth - after all, growing old doesn't mean growing up!

Be yourself and wear your wrinkles proudly with the help of this humorous collection of observations and illustrations on how to survive old ageFor years, you wanted to be treated like a proper adult, but now you're on a downhill slippery slope to a grand old age and you can't seem to find the brakes. You need expert survival advice, such as:- Don't call anyone under 40 "young man" or "young lady".- Do remember where your glasses, keys and wallet are to avoid raised eyebrows from family members.- Don't wear a tartan rug over your knees on a car journey.- Do make an effort to learn all the songs in the top ten. This mischievous little book will help you enjoy your latter years without worrying about what anyone else thinks. After all, the best things in life are old: vintage wines, golden oldies... You're now part of an elite club. Enjoy!

Explore ‘Beatle Land’ and the iconic sites associated with The Beatles’ fame.The ‘Fab Four’ – John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr – were all born and brought up in Liverpool, and this illustrated guide reveals why the city was crucial to their musical success. Following in their footsteps around Liverpool and Merseyside, the book explores the places that influenced The Beatles’ musical direction and eventual stardom. Discover the significance of the locations behind hit singles such as ‘Strawberry Fields Forever’ and ‘Penny Lane’, as well as iconic music venue The Cavern Club. The book’s handy location map will guide you to all the sights, including:• St Peter’s Church where Paul famously first met John, who was playing in his band The Quarrymen in the grounds.• The Mersey Ferry which provided a great venue for the Beatles to perform in 1961 and 1962.• Strawberry Fields where John visited summer fairs with his aunt, and which was the inspiration behind the hit single ‘Strawberry Fields Forever’• Penny Lane and its bus roundabout, celebrated in the song with the same name.• The Cavern Club, the iconic music venue where The Beatles played 292 times and where Brian Epstein first saw them perform in 1961.• John, Paul, George and Ringo's childhood homes.The book also looks at the band’s early childhood influences including schools, parents and relatives that left an indelible mark on the character of the boys as they grew up, as well as their manager Brian Epstein’s role and influence as another Liverpool lad. Fully illustrated, this is the ultimate Beatles fan’s guide to Liverpool.

You may never now become a rock star or regain the waist size you had at 18. You have taken a sudden interest in bleeding your radiators and figuring out the best route by road to anywhere in the country.On the bright side, you can feel smug that you have better grammar than a university student and don't have to dig out your embarrassing passport photo to get into pubs or buy alcohol.

This sparkling collection of golden age wit and wisdom is proof-positive that the stereotypes of knitting grannies and doddering granddads just aren't true anymore – if, indeed, they ever were. Senior citizens are not going gentle into that good night. They're still out there, living life to the full, taking selfies, 'silver surfing' the net and showing the rest of us how to grow up and grow old disgracefully. Because as Maurice Chevalier said, 'Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.' This is a joke book specifically designed for oldies, so look out you young whippersnappers – you probably won't get half of them!