Science of Intimate Relationships

GARTH FLETCHER, PHD, is Professor of Psychology at Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand.JEFFRY A. SIMPSON, PHD, is Professor of Psychology and Director of the Doctoral Minor in Interpersonal Relationships at the University of Minnesota, USA.LORNE CAMPBELL, PHD, is Professor of Psychology at the University of Western Ontario, Canada.NICKOLA C. OVERALL, PHD, is Professor of Psychology at the University of Auckland, New Zealand.

• About the Authors xiPreface xiii1 Introduction: The Science of Intimate Relationships 1The Science of Intimate Relationships: A Brief History and Analysis 2Domains of Study 2An Example 4Interdisciplinary Links 4The Relation Between Mind and Body 5Common Sense and Pop Psychology 5Research Methods 7Contents of the Book 8Summary and Conclusions 92 Intimate Relationships in Context: Key Theories, Concepts, and Human Nature 11Social Psychology 12A Brief History 12Interdependence Theory 13EvolutionaryPsychology 15Darwin 15Darwinian Evolutionary Theory 16Selection for Survival 16Sexual Selection 17Parental Investment Theory 18Key Features of Evolutionary Psychology 19Human Nature and Genes 20What is Human Nature? 21Life History Theory 22Goals of Life History Theory 22Life History Mysteries and the Critical Role of Tradeoffs 22The Strange Nature of Human Development 24Of Human Bondage 24Humans are Cultural Animals 26Summary and Conclusions 283 The Intimate Relationship Mind 31Relationship Goals 32Lay Relationship Theories 33General Lay Theories 34A Case Study: Attribution Theory 34Self‐Esteem 36General Relationship Lay Theories 37Local Relationship Theories 38Self Theories 39Relationship Evaluations 39The Functions of Lay Relationship Theories: Back to the Goals 40On‐Line Cognitive Processing: Unconscious and Automatic Versus Conscious and Controlled 42When Do People Think Consciously About Relationships? 43Evidence for This Distinction 44Role of Stored Relationship Theories 44Self‐Regulation 45Interlude and a Caveat 46Emotions in Relationships 47Functions of Emotions 47Lay Emotion Theories and Scripts 47Basic Emotions 48Do Emotions Get in the Way of Rational Thought? 50The Distal Origins of the Intimate Relationship Mind: Evolution and Culture 51Summary and Conclusions 534 The Intimate Relationship Body 55Why Sexual Reproduction? 56Human Genitalia and Their Origins 57The Human Body and Behavior are Windows into Our Mating Past 59Orgasms, Nipples, Adaptations, and By‐Products 61Hormones, Sex, and Relationships 62Sex Hormones 63Cuddle Hormones 66Fight or Flight Hormones 67The Relationship Brain 67Social Cognition and the Brain 69The Prefrontal Cortex 69Emotions and Cognitions Work Together 69Controlled Versus Automatic Processing 71Bonding and Love 71The Cuddle Hormones as Neurotransmitters 71The Dopamine System 73Summary 73Summary and Conclusions 745 Intimate Relationships and Health 77The Impact of Divorce on Children 78The Path from an Unstable Family Life in Childhood to Health Problems in Adulthood 78Are Long‐Term Relationships Good for You? 80A Crucial Caveat: It Depends on Relationship Quality 81Protective Relationship Factors and Health Outcomes 85Divorce, Partner Loss, and Health Outcomes 86Summary and Conclusions 896 Born to Bond: From Infancy to Adulthood 91Attachment Theory 92Brief Historical Overview 92Normative Features of Attachment 94Mother–Infant Synchrony 94Keeping Close 95Four Phases of Development 95Individual Differences in Attachment 96Attachment in Adolescence and Adulthood 98Normative Processes and Outcomes in Adulthood 102Individual Differences and Outcomes in Adulthood 103Life History Models of Social Development 105The Development of Individual Differences in Attachment and Mating Strategies 106Variations on a Theme 108Controversies 110Summary and Conclusions 1117 Selecting Mates 113Searching for a Mate: What Do People Want? 114The Nature of Mating Standards 116Personality Traits, Status, and Resources 116Physical Attractiveness 117Summary 119The Origins of Mate Standards 119Good Investment 119Good Genes 120Within‐Gender Differences in Mating Strategies 121Sociosexuality and Mating Strategies 121The Menstrual Cycle and Mate Preferences 122Gender Differences, Mating Strategies, and Short‐Term Versus Long‐Term Liaisons 124Physical Attractiveness, Age, Status, Resources, and Personality Traits 124Sexual Variety 126Explaining Gender Differences in Mate Selection Strategies 128Parental Investment Theory 128Sexual Strategies Theory 129Social Structural Model 129Resolution 129Mate Preferences, Self‐Presentation, and the Self‐Concept 130How the Mating Game (and the Media) Shape the Self‐Concept 131Explaining Within‐Gender Differences in Mating Strategies and Preferences 132Do Mate Preferences Predict Actual Mate Choices? 134The “New” Social Media World of Dating and Mate Selection 136Summary and Conclusions 1378 Family and Friends 139Alloparenting: The Central Role of the Family 140Grandparents 141Mothers and Fathers 142Romantic and Platonic Love 143The Incest Taboo 144Friends and Romance 147Meet the Parents 149Summary and Conclusions 1529 Love, Sweet Love 155Love as a Commitment Device: Pair Bonding in Humans 156Romantic Love Is Universal 156Romantic Love Has Distinctive Emotional and Biological Signatures 157Romantic Love Suppresses the Search for Mates 158Monogamy, Polygyny, Polyandry, and Polyamory 161Infidelity and Divorce: Is Love Meant to Last? 163Summary 164The Nature of Love 164Passionate Love 165Self‐Expansion 165Physical Arousal and Stress 166The Slow Slide in Passion 166Companionate Love 167Links Between Passionate and Companionate Love 167Sternberg’s Triangular Model of Love 169Nonlove 169Liking 169Infatuation 170Empty Love 170Romantic Love 170Companionate Love 170Fatuous Love 170Consummate Love 171The Maintenance of Love and Intimacy 172Summary and Conclusions 17410 Reading Minds, Partners, and Relationships 177Looking Through the Eyes of Love: Reality Versus Illusion in Intimate Relationships 178Can Bias Be Rational? 179Research Case Study 179Projection 180Can Judgments Be Biased and Accurate at the Same Time? 180Two Kinds of Accuracy 180Research Case Study 182Are People Aware of Bias and Accuracy in Their Relationship Judgments? 182A puzzle and an Explanation 182Causes and Consequences of Accuracy and Bias in Partner and Relationship Judgments 184Links Between Accuracy and Relationship Quality 184Relationship Stage 185First Meetings 185Ongoing Relationships 188Individual Differences and Context 189Self‐esteem and Stress 189Security and Stress 190Summary 191Back to Reading Minds 191Methods 191Research Findings 192Individual Differences in Mind‐Reading 193Summary and Conclusions 19611 Communication and Interaction 197Couple Communication During Conflict 199What Do Communication Behaviors Predict? 199Toxic Patterns: Negative Reciprocity and Demand‐Withdrawal 201Moving beyond Conflict 202Communication Behavior and Cognition 202Responding to Relationship Threats: Accommodation and Risk Regulation 203Regulating Risk 204Regulating Partners 206Summary 207Good “Negative” Behaviors and Bad “Negative” Behaviors 207When Honest Communication Is Healthy and Good Management Fails 208Stress Is … Well, Stressful 208Why Adopting One Default Strategy Is Not a Good Idea 209Providing and Communicating Support 211Relationship Satisfaction and Support 212What Recipients of Support Do, Think, and Feel Counts 213Can Partners Be Too Supportive? 214Summary 216Summary and Conclusions 21612 Sex and Passion 219The Biology of Sex 220Sexual Orientation 221The Origins of Sexual Orientation 221Hormones, Brain Development, and Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia 222Genes and Homosexuality in Men 223Sexual Plasticity in Women 224Sexual Desire and Relationships 225Gender Differences in Sex and Sexuality 227Gender Differences in Sex Drive 227Gender Differences in Desire for Multiple Sex Partners 229Gender Differences in Negotiating Sex in Relationships 230Sexual Jealousy 230Sex and Relationship Satisfaction 232Does Better Sex Lead to Better Relationships? 232Do Better Relationships Lead to Better Sex? 233Communication May Be Critical 233Individual Differences in Sociosexuality 234Summary and Conclusions 23713 Relationship Violence 239Gender Differences in Intimate Violence 240Research Using the Conflict Tactics Scale 240The Research Bombshell 241Is the Conflict Tactics Scale Reliable and Valid? 242What do the Results from the Conflict Tactics Scale Really Mean? 245Resolving the Paradox 245All Men are Not Created Equal 246Severity and Consequences of Physical Violence 247Summary 248Till Death Us Do Part 248Explaining Relationship Violence 249An Evolutionary Approach 249A Feminist Perspective 252A Social Psychological Approach 253Explaining Variability in Intimate Violence Within and Between Cultures 255Can Relationship Violence be Prevented, and, if so, How? 257Summary and Conclusions 25814 Relationship Dissolution 261Predicting Relationship Dissolution: What Drives Couples Apart? 263Socio‐Demographic Variables, Relationship History, and Individual Differences 263Are the Fates of Relationships Sealed Before they Begin? 265Relationship‐Level Factors 266Love and Investment 268Satisfaction Level 269Quality of Alternatives 269Investment Size 269The Power and Limitations of Relationship Maintenance Strategies 270Consequences of Relationship Dissolution 273Moving On and Letting Go 273RelationshipTherapy 275Traditional Behavioral Couples Therapy 276Cognitive Behavioral Couples Therapy 276Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy 277Emotion Focused Couple Therapy 277Does Relationship Therapy Work? 278Summary and Conclusions 27915 Assembling the Relationship Elephant 281The Power of Culture and Evolution 282How Pair‐Bonding and Romantic Love Played Pivotal Roles in the Evolution of Modern Humans 283Gender Differences 286Within‐Gender Differences 288Science and Intimate Relationships 290Conclusion 290Glossary 291References 303Index 353