Internet Family: Technology in Couple and Family Relationships

Katherine M. Hertlein, PhD, LMFT, is a Professor in the Couple and Family Therapy Program in the School of Medicine's Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Health at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, and has published eight books on couple and family therapy.Markie L. C. Twist, PhD, LMFT, LHMC, CSE, is the Program Coordinator of the Graduate Certificate in Sex Therapy and Professor of Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Wisconsin-Stout, Wisconsin.

"The Internet has reached a central place in interpersonal dynamics – and our personal lives are not exempt from this influence. Our children are growing with technologies unknown a decade ago, challenging the ways in which clinicians can help. Drs. Katherine Hertlein and Markie Twist are both scholars, but more importantly, they are both family therapists – and that shows in every single page of this book. Rather than focusing on lengthy theoretical debates, this book presents numerous examples and practical tools, and proposes frameworks readily usable by clinicians. To those interested in how the new technologies of communication are affecting human relationships, this text provides a set of maps to help navigate the waters of the Internet." Matthieu J. Guitton, PhD, FRAI, Professor, Faculty of Medicine, Université Laval, Quebec City, Canada, and Editor-in-Chief of Computers in Human Behavior"The new member of the family, technology, is getting older and agile; this member of the family moves fast like a chameleon embedding itself in the psychology of everyday life and the way couples and families do, feel, and think. This book is a must for clinicians trying to understand and map the ways technology and families intensify whatever is happening while also attending at the myriad ways in which we are changing. The book is packed with ways of thinking contextually and relationally about technology: how it can enrich relationships as well as push couples and families into new conundrums. The research in this area is still evolving and the book is ambitious at synthesizing for those that need the scientific and clinical evidence. For clinicians, the continuous synthesis, and the "aha moments" about how new media and emerging technology shape us all are everywhere in the book. The sections within the book are just a wonderful collection of the ways to reconstruct anew what families often see as unresolvable conundrums. I love the titles of the various sections and can see how they can help us all map a territory continuously changing. What may make us dizzy and what may also fascinate us is the rapid change. For some, then the need is to try to control the situation; our esteemed authors are calling for taking a curious journey rather than a set of guidelines to control the rather beautiful and sometimes threatening technological chameleon."Gonzalo Bacigalupe, EdD, MPH, Professor, Department of Counseling and School Psychology, College of Education and Human Development, University of Massachusetts, Boston "Perhaps no other factor has altered the family landscape in the 21st century more than the rise of technology. In this remarkable book, Katherine Hertlein and Markie Twist provide a comprehensive, empirically-based, and balanced synthesis of how technology has influenced couple and family interactions including parenting, communication patterns, and the development of intimate relationships. Moving beyond a mere description of dynamics, they offer a framework for working with families around issues related to technology as well as practical suggestions for navigating the terrain. Scholars and therapists will welcome this cutting edge volume on the intersection of families and technology."Dale Hawley, PhD, Director, Marriage and Family Therapy Program and Professor for Human Development and Family Studies, University of Wisconsin-Stout

• ABOUT THE AUTHORS xviiPREFACE xixPurpose of the Book Outline of Chapters Key Terms A Note on Timeliness ACKNOWLEDGMENTS SECTION 1 Tutorial on Technology and Relationships Chapter 1 Couples, Families, and Technology Technology Invasion Prevalence of Technology in Our Lives Mobile Connections by Device The Rise of the Applications: Online Video Games The Rise of the Applications: Social Networking Effects of Technology on Our Individual Selves Effects of Technology on Physical Well-Being Media Misinformation Sedentary Lifestyles Sleep Effects of Technology on Psychological Well-Being Life Satisfaction Technology and Our Work Lives Projecting What’s Next for Technology in Our Lives What Does All of This Mean for Relationships? The Pathology of Pathology Our View—A Balanced Approach Conclusion References Chapter 2 From Digiteris to Tweeps: Understanding Online Communication Patterns What Drives Patterns of Technology Use? Theoretical Models of MotivationsApplied to Social Media Use The Importance of Being in Sync Relational Factors Influencing Social Media Use The Desire for Social Capital ’Cuz You’ve Got . . . Personality (Disorders)? The Only Thing to Fear Is Missing Out Comparing Face-to-Face and Internet Communication Technologies Self-Presentation Me, My Selfie, and I Self-Presentation in Couples Self-Presentation in Families Shared Data Rituals and Everydayness Emotional Intimacy History-Gathering Consent Conclusion References Chapter 3 Virtual Impacts on Real-Time Individual, Couple, and Family Developments Technology Immersion Across Developmental Contexts Individual Lifespan: Erikson Revisited Children Adolescence Young Adulthood Self-Authorship in a Relationally Authored (and Heterogenic) Environment Ecological Life Cycle ModelsBronfenbrenner RevisitedSocial Comparison With Peers à la Festinger Taylor Revisited Technology Use Across Relational Developmental Stages Technology, Anxiety, and Distress (Oh My!) You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Phone Attachment to Technology: The Missing Link? Technology: The Monkey on Your Back (And in Your Family?) Technology, Attachment, and Romantic Relationships Conclusion References Chapter 4 Family “Net”working Digital Family Communication Youth and Online Communication Parenting in a Digital World Parents and Online Communication Technology Interference in Parenting Technology and Adoption Privacy, Technology, and Family Relationships From Helicopter-Parents to Drone-Parents:Surveillance, Spying, and Other Monitoring Strategies Surveillance Habituation Family Negotiation of the “Net” Conclusion References Chapter 5 The iCouple Common Couple Issues in a Digital Age Survey Says Just the Two of Us An Affair to Delete Social Media and Romantic Relationships Texting and Romantic Relationships I Spy With My Little “I”: Surveillance in Couples Developing Trust Online Conclusion References Chapter 6 Relational Malware: Risks of Technology in Relationships The Trouble With Tech Risky Business Privacy Your Penetralia is Showing Privacy Considerations: The People Privacy Considerations: The Space Crossing Boundaries in Unbounded Space (Spy-Berspace?) Cyberbullying Technology-Based Dating Violence Sexting “Sometimes It’s Hard to Be a Woman” Sweet Revenge? CyberstalkingConclusion References SECTION 2 Rebooting Your Relationships Chapter 7 What About the Internet Changes Our Relationships? A Social Solution to a Social Problem The Couple and Family Technology Framework Theoretical Frameworks The Flexibility of the CFT Framework “Everybody’s Doing It”: Acceptability “Who Are You?”: Anonymity Online Me and My Shadow: Accessibility The Ultimate Cheap Date: Affordability A World of Sims: Approximation Accommodation “I Didn’t Technically Touch Them So It Doesn’t Count”: Ambiguity The Couple and Family Technology Framework in Action Conclusion References Chapter 8 Strengthening Roles, Rules, and Boundaries Introduction Roles Rules Boundaries Conclusion References Chapter 9 Improving Relationship Launches, Runtime, and Crashes Relational Intelligence in a Digital World Relationship Formation “To Swipe or Not to Swipe” Being Facebook Official First Comes Love, Then Comes Meeting Relationship Maintenance Development Across the Couple Lifespan Technology’s Contribution to Relationship Satisfaction Intimacy Development in Relationships With and Without Technology Building Intimacy Through Self-Disclosure Relationship Termination To Block or Not to Block Conclusion References Chapter 10 Debugging Advanced Internet-Based Relational Problems Decoding Technology and Relationship Error Messages Out-of-Control Technology-Related Behaviors Technophobia Sexual Technologies Video and Online Gaming Relational Power-Ups Relational Challenge Mode Action Point: A Case of Out-of-Control Online Gaming Behaviors What the Tech Do We Do? You Have Nothing to Fear, but Fear Itself Winning Over Video Gaming Issues Managing Out-of-Control Technology-Related Behaviors Conclusion References Chapter 11 Measuring Technology’s Impact on Relational Life Assessment of Internet Impact in Daily Life: The Chicken or the Egg? My Problem Is You(Tube) Measuring “Addictive”/Compulsive Internet Use Measurement Tools What’s in a Name? Measuring Online Sexual Behavior The Rebirth of Slick: The Couple and Family Technology Assessment Revised Conclusion References Chapter 12 Developing Your Personal Technology Integration Plan With the Couple and Family Algorithm Technology Integration Plan 1. Consider the Audience 2. Maximize the Benefits 3. Consider the Motivations Integration Ideas for Structure (Roles, Rules, Boundaries) Boundary Tip 1: Check Your Email—Don’t Let Your Email Check You Boundary Tip 2: Cover Your Private Parts (or Privacy Management) Rule Tip 1: Develop a Rule for Your Family on Collective Privacy Management Initiating Relationships Rule Tip 1: Recognition of Gatekeeping in Online Dating Rule Tip 2: Recognition of the “Eight As” Maintaining Relationships Intimacy Tip 1: Electronic Fantasy Dates Intimacy Tip 2: Using Asynchronous Methods to Manage Conflict Intimacy Tip 3: Using SynchronousMethods to Obtain Support Intimacy Tip 4: Ensure Online Friends Are Offline Friends as Well Trust Tip 1: Recovering From Online Infidelity Trust Tip 2: Managing Surveillance Ending Relationships Termination Tip 1: “Give Up The Ghost” Termination Tip 2: Using the Benefits of the Internet to Structure InteractionsOnline Behavior and Children: Some Guidelines Rule Tip 1: When Should My Child Be Granted a Cellphone? Case in Point: A Tale of Two Kiddies Rule Tip 2: Boundaries and Rules for Safeguarding Against Cyberbullying Conclusion References INDEX APPENDICES – ONLINE ONLY[can be accessed at www.routledge.com/9781138478053]Appendix A: Ecological Elements QuestionnaireAppendix B: General Technological Focused Genogram QuestionsAppendix C: Couple and Family Technology Focused Genogram QuestionsAppendix D: Questions for Consideration Across an Electronic Developmental Lifespan