Confronting Shame

Ilse Sand is a psychotherapist, public speaker and author of several self-help books. She specialises in counselling highly sensitive people. She is based in Denmark.

I read this wonderful book four times. This insightful book is very easy, comforting and understandable to read. Ilse's knowledge about the topic, shame, is so clear. I want to read it again - I would say it's changed my life.

• 1: The Nature and Function of ShameThe anxiety in shameYou can be unaware of shameSituations that trigger shame The difference between shame and guiltA shame reaction is an alarmShame is a social emotion 2: Chronic Shame Arises from Inharmonious InteractionsWhen the feeling of belonging vanishesSelf-esteem and sense of selfFeeling truly seenA distorted mirrorAttentive mirroring leads to inner supportLack of mirroring leads to an absence of self-support 3: Shame can be a reaction to a hole in your sense of selfThe fear of vanishing into a voidSerious holes in our sense of selfLack of solid ground4: Shame holds you backA difficult conversation5: The false self as a defense against shameSuccess strengthens the false selfThe fantastic, invincible false selfShame about longing for loveThe false self can't stand intimacyAnger and contempt as a defense against intimacyGet out of a fairy taleDown and back homePART TWOToolsA vicious circle must be broken6: Get to know yourself betterAsk others for feedbackHow you receive feedbackFilm yourselfExperience yourself from the insideGet in touch with an even deeper level of yourselfGo into psychotherapy or take a course in self-development 7: Get close to your shameWorking on your inner scenes of shame strengthens your sense of selfShame is a relational emotionBe cautious and choose your listener with careTake small steps when anxiety loomsShame after being verbally assaultedShame about a lack of strength and energy8: Give thought to whom you spend your time withYour childhood familyFind good modelsDirect your attention to the healthy inner voices9: Establish friendly contact with yourselfIt's not you there is something wrong withDon't obey fearFrom shame to guiltRediscover empathy with yourselfWrite to yourself in a loving mannerThrough sorrow and on to self-compassionAfterword: Let emptiness bloomAre you hampered by shame? Test yourselfTake the test with a grain of saltTo those of you who score lowAdvice to those who score highFind the right helperAn enormous opportunity for growthBibliographyAcknowledgments